Week 17 - (which isn't 4 months old yet...)

Week 17

This week marks the end of those nasty baby vaccinations - hooray! Am I glad they are over? Yes. Each time they have knocked my dear little Pads back two steps and made him groggy, more unsettled and upset his tum, so I am glad he is now fully vaccinated but also very glad that he doesn't need anymore jabs until his first birthday. 

This is week 17.

1. Jab to my heart. 

As mentioned above, Pads had his final dose of the big 5 vaccine and the final meningitis b jab this week, and he gave his worst reaction so far. Real, falling from his eyes tears and such a shocked and in pain cry that caused him to then 'air cry', where their face has the most pained expression you ever did see on it, they go bright red, curl in all their limbs and fingers and toes in stiffly and look like they should be screaming but no sound, or breath it seems, comes out. This one lasted a long time so we had to pause giving the 2nd injection, until he calmed back down. Not nice for a mum to see. 

I was by myself for this set of jabs too but managed to remain nice and calm to try and soothe him. He cried a lot after the nasty injections were done and needed lots of snuggles before we left the surgery. Again, at home he was crankier and crying more than usual and also very drowsy after the Calpol so he had some long stretches of sleep on me, but other than that, luckily we escaped the fever that they can bring again, and he was back to his usual smiley, fun self by that afternoon. Now stop sticking pins in my son until he's one!

2. Water baby. 

I have been looking forward to getting Pads in the water since he was born basically. He bloody loves a splash about and a kick in the bath so I had high hopes that he'd take to swimming in a similar way. 

We were offered a free trial of the Water Babies classes so I snapped up a session and off we went. We saw one of the mums and babies we do both our other classes with in the changing room and it was good to see a familiar face as I actually felt a bit nervous when we got there incase he hated it and because I've never had to get a baby ready to swim, yet alone actually take them swimming before. Luckily the changing rooms were spacious, clean and not too warm and I had already put my cossie on under my clothes that morning so I stripped down to my now baggy (thankfully!) maternity swimsuit - cripes only knows when any of my old regular swimwear is! - then it was his turn. Swim nappy on, then the cutest little swim trunks (or Happy Nappy as its called) and a short sleeve wetsuit on top of all that. That was a top mum tip from friends who had been before us and said that even though the water is 30 degrees, that's pretty chilly for a baby still so those in wetsuits seemed to be less bothered than those babies just in trunks. This certainly seemed to be the case with Pads. 

The class was lovely and relaxed and we handed our babies one by one to the instructor so we could get safely into the pool, then followed half an hour of various swimming techniques, songs and even a little under water dunk at the end. My boy was quite shocked by the dunking and he did have a little cry and surprised splutter immediately afterwards, but generally handled the whole new experience very well and very quietly. He did suck his thumb the entire time and seemed a bit shy, perhaps overwhelmed by the new space, environment and sounds, but he definitely didn't hate it. 

I loved it. It was great to be in the water again and to do a more active specialised class, and it felt really important to be helping to teach my son to swim and feel safe and comfortable in the water. After all, our cottage backs on to a canal that crosses over a river so he is going to need to be water savvy pretty sharp ish. It was over too quickly for me, but was definitely long enough for Paddington as his hands were starting to look a little purple. Glad we had the wetsuit on or he may have needed to come out sooner. 

Changing afterwards wasn't as seamless as our getting ready had been, as not surprisingly being a swimming pool, everywhere was wet, so I struggled as to where to put him down safely and get us both changed without making him wet again after I'd dressed him. I did have the nappy changing mat with us but it's pretty slim and he rolls onto his sides all the time now, so kept rolling onto the wet floor. 

Next time, I plan on taking a spare padded changing mat with sides that's waterproof so I can lay him on that on the floor and take 3 towels for him as 2 wasn't quite enough - I used 1 to bundle him in straight out of the pool which got soaked immediately, then the other one to try and dry him quickly once I'd removed all his wet kit but it soon got drenched too so a spare would be very useful as speed is of the essence here to make sure they don't get cold after being in and out of the pool. I reckon I did a pretty good job for a first timer, though I found it hard to dry myself too, so left with a slightly soggy feeling all over. We have signed up to the course to take advantage of the discount if you do it within 24 hours and I am really looking forward to starting our swim journey together.  

3. Monkey music. 

We were all about the free trial this week. We attended a new music class in a local village hall which was good fun and Pads got to play with drums, maracas and bells and listen to some weird and wonderful instruments, such as a spirit drum and the good old triangle. These musical interludes were interspersed with what I can only liken to watching a drama student audition for a cruise ship variety show (I am not being mean, I was a drama student). Some of the older babies and toddlers seemed to love the over the top singing though but I think Pads is a bit young for that to be anything other than slightly intriguing. He was more interested in the instruments. (Good boy!)

It was different and definitely fun and we are going to try out the age specific class next week to see if that might be better tailored to Padster, as this one was for a mix of ages. I do want him to get into music early on so maybe this will help? (My renditions of popular nursery rhymes with ballsed up lyrics as I can't seem to remember any of them past the first few lines plus my free form jazz singing - don't ask why I have started doing this but it seems to calm him! - and making him listen to my fav songs on repeat is also part of his musical training)

4. Nappy thanks. 

We have been very lucky to have been given nappies that won't fit other babies anymore, by our lovely mum pals Donna and Harriet - thank you very much! That's one advantage of having a slim little one. It was the first time we've tried a different brand since our disastrous Asda experiment, and this time I must say, I am super impressed with Aldi nappies. They are as good as, if not better than the leading brand. Will def be buying these again.

5. Chuckler. 

Prepare for cuteness overload - while fast asleep, Pads let out a proper big chuckle complete with big grin! It was beyond adorable. I thought at first that he had woken up but soon realised his little eyes were still firmly shut and he was peacefully back to his usual quiet sleeping self straight after the chuckle. Now I want to know what he was dreaming about! (Boobs probably)

6. The one with the captivated baby. 

With this bloody awful rainy, gale force weather we've been dogged with in Wales this week, we haven't been able to get out for as many walks or any castle trips as usual, and have been a bit house bound on the days when we don't have classes, but I managed to find something we both enjoy doing - watching re-runs of Friends together. It not only mesmerises him and keeps him entertained for at least half an episode sometimes - pretty sure it's all the bright colours, loud voices, expressive faces and fast editing making it really exciting to watch as a baby, but it's been very relaxing and nostalgic for me too. Man I loved Friends, it's still got it all these years later! 

7. The way Forward. 

We did manage to get one big walk in across the fields which requires a few turn stiles and bumpy, muddy terrain, so not exactly buggy friendly. I used our 'hippy' sling instead and thought I'd try putting him in it facing out as he loves to look around. He looked quite startled, not to mention snug, at first, but once I got moving and put both our winter wooly hats on he was perfectly happy. I took an extra rug to wrap him in and keep us both cosy, as it was very windy and off we went on our trek. It was fab. He was gurgling away merrily at the start as I gave him a running commentary about the hills and mountains and trees and plants we were passing, and seemed very content to be facing out at the world but still close to his mum and feeling the benefits of my internal heating system! 

We returned an hour and a half later with ruddy cheeks from the wind and lots of good fresh country air in our lungs. Forward facing is definitely, ahem, the way forward from now on I reckon! Unless I want him to sleep, as there's no way he would sleep facing out with so many exciting new things to see.

8. How old?! 

I don't think it's just me, but as I have been counting down Pads age in weeks since he was born, as that's what you do and all the midwives, health visitor etc did, when it came to him being 16 weeks I naturally just assumed that meant he was now 4 months (going by the average idea that a month is a 4 week period) so I dutifully and excitedly did a cute milestone pic and uploaded it onto FB, only to feel foolish as it was pointed out to me that him being 16 weeks doesn't mean he is 4 months (are you still with me?!!) because there isn't always 4 weeks in a month. This is very bewildering to my sleep addled brain!! Tell me I am not the only one that finds this confusing?!So in reality, he won't be 4 months old until 18th November, which is super logical now I see it written down, so sorry I jumped the gun buddy and announced your 4 month birthday 2 weeks too soon! I might just stick to counting in weeks until he is at least 6 months as I know where I am with that! 

9. It was acceptable in the 80's. 

I did the 2nd class of my breastfeeding peer support training which was really good and the course leader who trained as a midwife in the 80's was telling us how they used to teach new mums to always breast feed for exactly 3 mins on each boob, then for 5 mins each boob, then finally for 8 mins each boob per feeding session and wondered why they had lots of mums complaining of really sore, chapped nipples! They treated it as a science and something that could be timed and regimented which is a world away from how breastfeeding is now viewed, as a baby led or baby responsive practice, that is a skill and art to be mastered by both the mum and the baby. 

Pads went in the crèche for the full hour and a half this time and was good as gold and even asleep for the last 20 minutes, so I had to carefully carry him out to the car so as not to wake him. (I didn't, but the bloody gale that started blowing half way across the car park did.) 

We are both learning that we can be apart for small bursts and hopefully he will begin to understand that I will alway, always, come back for him! (Anyone else find that they don't know what to do with their hands initially when you are away from your baby?!)

(Thanks to all you lovely folk who admitted that sometimes you get bored parenting too after last week's blog post - we are all in this together.  Your texts and messages were much appreciated and we are all about accentuating the positive this week!).

Week 16 - teething, toys and training

Week 16 

This has been a week of teething troubles, missing sleep and mixed emotions. You forget what a rollercoaster it is being a parent and having such a massive responsibility 24/7, and you forget that you have had to change so much as a person and that your life has basically been turned inside and out and had the pockets shaken out. It's ok to still feel a bit overwhelmed/clueless/lost/not in control now and then. And it's ok to talk about it. In fact we should. This gig ain't easy. 

So here's what week 16 brought to the table.

1. Teething terrors. 

Pads is definitely teething, poor guy, which would explain the interrupted sleeping at night and waking up crying in pain. It's horrid to see them go through it as they don't even know what it is. I keep telling him that he will appreciate it further down the line when he can chomp into a nice juicy steak or bite into an apple. 

We have had the worst sleep since he was only a week or two old, as he keeps waking every 1 and a half to 2 hours through the night and either needs comfort in the form of head stroking and a lullaby or a feed. I have pretty much written sleep off again - it is amazing how 20, 30 or 40 minutes can just pass in a blur in the wee small hours and you wonder what you have actually been thinking or doing all that time (well usually thinking 'please sleep little man', 'what colour should we paint the kitchen walls?' and 'I wonder if I'll get any more sleep this eve?', whilst breastfeeding or trying to settle him back to sleep.) We discovered Calpol teething gel (other brands are of course available!) and it's been brilliant at soothing him pretty much straight away at least for a few minutes. You can feel the teeth bumps under his gums when you rub the gel in and he's got used to the strange taste of it now. My friend Gemma has recommended Ashton and Parsons sachets to us so that's next on the list to try. I wish there was more I could do for him as it's so heartbreaking to see him upset but lots more cuddles and kisses are definitely helping (both of us!) I'd say, and of course Sophie le giraffe has been a real comfort to him, he especially likes to chew her legs and ears.  He has started grabbing my fingers to chow down on too and he has quite a strong chomp, but whatever helps you little man. This only lasts a really short time right?!!!!! 

2. Sleep return tactics. 

It definitely feels like proper sleep is a thing of the past now. Whether it's regression, teething, a growth spurt of the bloody moon I don't know, but I am definitely finding it much harder to get him off to sleep at night than ever before and feel like I've lost what little knack I may have had. It can take a couple of hours from going to bed to get him to go off now which is not ideal for any of us. And that's just getting him to sleep in the first place.

When he wakes, frequently, throughout the night I am now trying not to feed him back to sleep each time (back in those dreamy days where he only woke once or twice a night, a feed would be all he needed to go back to blissful sleep) as a) he does not need up to 5 feeds over a night, when I know he can and has slept for over 8 hours straight before without needing a feed, and don't want him to get into the habit of only going back to sleep with a boob. And b) I want to teach him to get back to sleep on his own, (yeah, I know, good luck with that one!) so I have been trying a mixture of our own sleep solutions with varying degrees of success! I am trying not to get him out of the cot if I can help it as it's harder to settle him and put him back down once he is in my arms or in our bed. Here's what we have been trying: 

• Waiting - sometimes it's just a mid sleep cry or wake and he will go straight back again so I never rush in. I will wait up to about a minute then if he hasn't gone off again, I know he is actually awake and needs me.
• When he wakes sometimes he just has a good chatter to himself or his toys and a thrash about of the legs and a good look around so I'll let him 'play' for a bit then go over after a while to let him know I am there and stroke his head. Sometimes that has been enough for him to start sucking his thumb - good boy! - and settle himself back to sleep. 
• Other times, if he is really crying I have to give him some teething gel and sit with him, perhaps having a cuddle or with my hand on his head and tummy and tell him that I am here and everything is ok. 
• If the crying is soft and not too bad, I'll go over to the cot where he can see me, stroke his head gently and quietly sing the lullaby that I made up in his first few weeks, for 10mins or so then leave him carefully if he drifts back to sleep. He will then often wake again in a minute or so, so I go back in and repeat the same head stroking and gentle singing up to three times. If neither of those techniques work then I will bring him out of the cot for a feed in bed, however he has now started needing more winding and being sick after night feeds which he hasn't really done before so feeding to sleep isn't really working either!
• For the past 2 nights, just for my own sanity, I have been bringing him in to co-sleep with us, laying him in the middle of the bed, keeping everything quiet and calm, and pretending to be asleep myself with my eyes almost shut to try and stop any eye contact that will encourage him to want to stay awake, but making my breathing a bit louder and slower than normal so he can clearly hear its rhythm, and after around 10-15 minutes of lying there trying to fight sleep, he did drop off for an hour or so.  This sleeping malarky is hard work isn't it!

Man I miss a nice block of uninterrupted sleep.

It's amazing how the hours can just tick by though in a cycle of sleeping, trying to get back to sleeping, feeding, winding, settling and sleeping again. 

3. New toys. 

I know it's Christmas soon so I shouldn't be buying pressies before then, but somehow I don't think Pads will care or notice, since he doesn't even know what Xmas is. First up, I bought him the squish toy. As recommended by a new mum friend, I treated Pads to a colourful wooden toy called a Squish. It's basically wooden bars with round wooden beads on them tied together in a geometric shape with tough flexible string so you can, well, as the name suggests, squish it. He seems to like it and it's really helping his grab and hold skills. However, as it is quite chunky and hard, and Pads is ever vigorous and energetic with anything he plays with, he keeps bopping himself on the head with it or getting one of the round ends in his eye, then crying, and this is with me right next to him so even though it says from birth, I think this is a closely supervised play only toy, especially if you have a rough play boy like mine! 

Next up, I treated him to a pair of light up flashing maracas (yup, such a thing does exist), that are not for him to play with - definitely not baby or even kid safe! - but for me to wave and shake in front of him. I stole the idea from our baby sensory class. I'm enjoying accompanying some of our fav songs on these maracas. They cost peanuts but he absolutely loves watching the lights flash and change colour and is fascinated by the sound and sight of them. It makes me feel like Bez from the Happy Monday's too so fun for both of us!

And lastly, I got thrifty and bought him a Jumperoo off eBay for just £15 - anyone who has ever bought a full price one of these plastic monstrosities (and they really are hideously ugly, big things) knows that they are expensive from new and I don't think they justify the cost, but 2nd hand, as new in its original box?, yes please.  The manual was missing when it arrived so I felt like I was on the Crystal Maze in trying to guess how it fitted together, but after a little trial and error, I nailed it and popped Padster in. Now, he has a strong neck in tummy time and sits up nice and strong on my lap but the seat is pretty large in this thing so he was a bit lost in it bless him, flopping around and falling forward, which wasn't ideal as the seat isn't padded. His feet also don't quite touch the floor yet in its lowest position, despite him being pretty tall, so perhaps he just isn't heavy enough for it? Anyway, with me supporting him and his comforter sheep Woolly acting as a padded safety cushion for his head we managed to have fun with me bouncing him so his toes could touch the ground and he seemed to like it, or at least be very intrigued by it! 

He was very interested in the rotating seat, musical keyboard section and the bright colours, and as for the bouncing, he kept looking at me all excited when I gave him a good push up and down. I think it will be a success when he is a bit older and chunkier as there's definitely lots to keep him amused, but for now he needs his mum to keep him from flopping forward in the seat! (Why do they have to make them so bloody big, cumbersome, gaudy and ugly though?! I swore I'd never buy one for those reasons but, then I figured, it's not for me is it? And I'm sure I'll be grateful of somewhere safe and contained to put Pads when he won't just lay on his baby gym or mat anymore without crawling/rolling about!)

4. The B word. 

I don't know if mums are allowed to say this but this week, for the first time, I actually felt a bit, well, bored. I had 2 back to back days on my own as Jon was away and we'd had a busy few days out and about being very sociable and active on very little sleep up to this point and the weather was rainy and horrid, so I decided to stay in and rest both days. And it wasn't all day or anything, but at around4.45pm on the first day, I had run out of ideas of what to do, so slipped to our bath and bed routine early (also cos I was knackered and hoped this would get us more sleep! Fool!), it didn't and the early bath didn't go down well as I think he was hungry so he cried in the bath for the first time since the early days, which made me feel like a very bad mum making bad mum choices because I was bored. 

The next day Jon came back in the evening so I had that to focus on. I did get out for a walk and filled the day with play and all the usual stuff but yes, it happened, I felt bored. Then guilty for feeling bored, then worried that actually it was because I have now become boring and don't really know what to do (nor have the time most days either), other than care for my baby. Hoping this is more of a one off feeling rather than a recurring one, as I was always told that only boring people get bored, but perhaps that person had forgotten what it's like to be in all day hiding from horrid weather with just a baby for company! 

While we are on the subject of how a new mum can feel once the dust has settled a bit and you're into the groove of being a parent, I think I may have lost a bit of myself lately, it's probably down the back of the sofa or in the car somewhere and I'm sure I'll get it back, but yeah, I don't feel like my full self at the moment. And if I am being honest as to why, then I think it's because I spend all day, every day with a wonderful tiny human who I love with my whole heart and self, but sometimes I just crave some of the inane, yet gorgeously simple selfish things I used to do like taking a long bubble bath, reading a magazine cover to cover on the loo, or watching an entire film uninterrupted and then maybe, going for another one straight after. (And of course going to bed when I want to and sleeping uninterrupted for as long as I want to, and having a long, lovely lie in with breakfast in bed, enjoying a long, lazy 3 course dinner and using both hands throughout!... sorry, slipped into a fantasy world there! And I know I will do these things again. One day.)

I am also missing my old pals in London a lot as I had to miss a baby shower and a couple of birthday supper clubs due to the logistics and expense of getting to and from London, oh yeah, and having a baby to look after and not enough expressed milk to be away from him for any length of time (or desire to be either still if I am being totally honest - I would definitely have separation anxiety if I wasn't with my Pads for longer than a few hours). I am not a whinger, and not one to get down about anything for long (nor is this a pity party - I hate those!), but I think it's ok to say that at times being a parent can be a bit boring and it can feel like it's taken a bit of who you were away. The rewards far outweigh any of this of course, and I love being Paddington's mum so much, but I also like being me and I think I may have forgotten that in the craziness of the past few months. 

5. Flower power. 

So this week I went back to a true love of mine, floristry and what a comeback it was. I just casually made 2 posies for the Queen. Yup, her majesty, ma'am, good old Liz. No biggie....My 2 posies were presented to the Queen on Nov 5th at her visit to the medal room at Imjin Barracks in Gloucester and it is definitely one of my proudest moments florally and in general. Check out the end pic in this article to see my flowers in action (and the Queen wore bright pink which could not have do-ordinated better with my colour scheme. Me and the Queen are totally in sync clearly)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-34733600

It felt so good to get back into the saddle and do something I did and loved doing pre Pads. I was a bit uncertain as to how it would work having Pads to amuse and look after all day as well, as prepping and designing flowers takes a lot of time and focus, but it was as if my little bear understood this and he was as good as gold. 

I popped him in his bouncer chair, which he has now accepted as a fun place to be after 3.5 months of crying every time I tried to put him in it. I added more toys to the bar in front of him, propped up the black and white picture collage I made for him alongside it and put his crinkly book by his feet to kick at, as well as made sure he had his teething ring, and he was happy as Larry (whoever he is) for a couple of hours. I kept showing him the different flowers and letting him have a good look and a smell and he was fascinated by the colours and by watching me work. He spent most of the time watching me and when I showed him a large pink rose up close he got really excited, kicking his legs and arms about. I let him touch and sniff the rosemary which he found really interesting too. Got to get him into flowers and foliage at an early age! 

Once I had made both posies and a couple of hours had passed, we stopped for a good feed and some mummy and Pads time, then I was back to it, to ribbon up the flowers. He was a bit bored I think by this point so got a bit cranky, but all in all, he was so good and let me do what I needed to do and it was lovely to involve him in what I was doing and tell him all about the flowers I had chosen and what I was doing. It made me realise it is possible to still be who you are and do what you love as well as being a mum. As I said earlier, I think I had perhaps lost sight of that a bit. 

6. Growing up. 

It was finally time to remove the infant insert from our ergo baby carrier as Pads is now over the recommended weight for it and definitely too tall for the pillow support so he is now just in the big boy's carrier. Crazy to think how little he was when we first put him in the insert and bundled him up like a little frog and now he is all limbs and learning! *sigh. His bag of outgrown clothes and other bits is getting fuller by the day. It's normal to feel a bit emotional about this right?!

7. Breastfeeding support training. 

I have said many times that breastfeeding is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing I have ever done. I am stoked that we have made it this far and not given up yet, and I know that we are really still at the beginning of our breastfeeding journey and have a long way (and a lot more hurdles) to go yet, but I am so extremely grateful that when I reached out and needed support, it was there. 

From my husband and mum telling me I was doing great and could totally do this, to the hospital midwife who placed Pads straight onto my boob for a biological feed seconds after he was born, to the surgery midwife checking my latch and giving me advice on positioning in those first 10 days, to my mum friends Gemma and Laura keeping my chin up with texts of support and solidarity at all times of the day and night when things were tough and the feeding was off, to my NCT buddies who kept me sane sharing their experiences on the breastfeeding and bottle feeding journey, to you guys leaving comments of support and encouragement on FB or sending me lovely texts, to a local breastfeeding group who offered friendly faces and a space to talk, to the National Breastfeeding Helpline who listened and advised when we had lost our way, and to the lactation legend that is Carol Walton who gave us the confidence and knowledge to feed biologically which has transformed our feeding and Pads' weight gain.  All of these people kept us going and helped in their own way, so thank you to all of you. 

The opportunity came up to do a free course run by Flying start, to become a breastfeeding peer support volunteer so I decided I wanted to give something back and help another mum on her feeding journey, so I signed up and we had our first session this week. It was an inspiring room of mums from first timers like me, to mums of 2 or 3 kids of all ages, all of whom were passionate about breastfeeding and helping others to breastfeed. It's not a militant mammary group or a 'breastapo' or anything like that, we all understand that breast feeding isn't for everyone and that some mums just can't or don't want to do it and that is totally fine. Whatever is best for the baby and the mum is what is best overall. But for those new mums who really want to breastfeed but are struggling or in pain or just don't have the support around them, whether that be from family or the medical profession, then hopefully, they can turn to someone like us and ask for help, and this course will hopefully teach me how to guide them and support them to keep breastfeeding. Wales has a pretty poor record of breastfeeding with only around 50% trying it out in the first instance, and then around half of that stopping, for various reasons, after the first week. 

I am a big advocate of breast is best. For me, and for Pads. As I said above, I totally get that it isn't for everyone, but it was and is important to us and I did not want to give up. I was determined from the start to make it work and we have done so far, touch wood, with help.

I love how clever breast milk is, that it is 'magic' stuff - packed with antibodies, immune boosting, containing all the essential nutrients and calories babies need for the first 6 months of their lives and it can heal cuts and scratches on babies skin etc...(one lady said it had cleared up her baby's conjunctivitis overnight too)

I love that it is so conveniently packaged and portable!, free, and you can be certain it is always at the right temperature, in date!, and safe to consume. 

I particularly love how it helps mothers and babies bond, not saying that you can't still get that bond with a bottle because you absolutely can, but personally, I love that I can nurture, nourish and comfort my baby with my body. And I feel very lucky to be able to do so and intend to continue for as long as he wants to and I feel comfortable to do so.

In the group, we discussed how our culture has sexualised the boob and in so doing, has made breastfeeding less socially prevalent and acceptable as a whole. It isn't seen in public all that much and so it isn't 'the norm' and does still have a stigma attached to it. Some mums get put off as they don't want to be watched in public (and people really do stare) and don't want to have to get their naked breast out, when 9 times out of 10, the baby or clothing covers it up so you can't see anything anyway - and even if it was exposed, it's a breast and they are first and foremost designed to feed a baby, so it's the most natural thing in the world and shouldn't feel shameful or embarrassing. 

In some other cultures, the breast is regarded as just that, a body part that feeds babies and there is no shame or embarrassment in them being on show because of that context. We need to change society's perception of the boob - its a feeding source primarily and women should feel free and comfortable to breast feed anywhere and at anytime.

Anyway, I want to learn more about the wonder that is breastfeeding and how, even though it is such a natural thing, it is also such an incredibly hard skill for both mother and baby to master and doesn't happen easily, so to be better equipped with knowledge and practical tips to use myself and to advise others is my goal. Then, if I can use my experience and learning to help just one new mum, I will be happy. Am really looking forward to this course unfolding (plus we got a knitted boob in our starter pack, which is awesome!)

8. Pads first crèche. 

While I was at the breastfeeding group above, there was a free crèche offered in the room next door. For the first half of the session, we, naturally, and rather fittingly, breastfed, so Pads was with me (or rather on me!), but for the last half hour I thought I would try him in the crèche as it was there, and as it was only in the next room I could hear him if he needed me and be with him in seconds, and I trusted the people running it as they also ran our previous baby acorns class. 

It's the first time I have left him with strangers so it felt like kind of a big deal. I laid him on the big playing mat, grabbed a familiar toy - the squish, funnily enough - made sure he was happy, then slowly got up to go, waving 'bye bye, see you soon'. His eyes never left mine as I walked backwards and out the door and I started to wonder if I should be leaving him at all. I hovered just out of sight on the other side of the door and peered in to see how he was doing, and he was fine. He was playing happily and quietly and smiling at the nursery assistant. Oh. Doesn't need me after all then! 

I returned within half an hour desperate to see him and caught him flirting heavily with the nursery assistant, giving away his gorgeous smiles and chuckles and looking very content and happy. Good boy. We both passed the first crèche test - me in actually letting him be, and seeing if he could do it without me (he totally can!) and him just accepting that this is where he was for now and that he was safe and happy as mummy wouldn't have left him there otherwise.

9. Return to skin to skin. 

After the breastfeeding session, it got me thinking that it has actually been a while since me and Pads did any skin to skin contact. A few weeks or maybe more than that probably, so we went back to it for a few feeds this week and it was lush. He fell asleep after his feed on my tummy and it just felt so natural and loving to lay there quietly together, as nature intended I suppose. Definitely need to do more of this as it so wonderfully bonding, and I am pretty sure that he's been giving me more beautiful eye contact and loving smiles since. 

Man, I love this kid so much. It's sort of crazy overwhelming how much isn't it?! Love you to the moon and back Pads.

Week 15 - Happy Halloween!

Week 15

It feels a bit like we have taken 2 steps forward in a lot of areas this week, mainly in Pads physical and mental development, and he definitely looks bigger all round, but consequentially, we've taken 2 steps back when it comes to his sleep. Not fun. My eyes are lightly burning as I type this through tiredness and I am pretty sure that Pads has little bags under his eyes (and I definitely do!). Just when you think you know what's going on, the clocks go back and all that lovely sleep you were getting, goes out the window! This is week 15 and what it threw at us. 

1. Making new mum friends. 

I now have a network of new mums locally which I made through the flying start baby acorns programme, which is great. My lovely NCT ladies are fabulous, but they are all well over an hour away from us unfortunately, as we had to attend the Cardiff classes because our local one didn't run due to lack of attendees, so I can't often make it to meet ups as I don't always have the car (one car family sharing!) and sometimes it is just too far to go if Pads is a bit grizzly or we haven't had much sleep! I have had to sadly miss out on a few afternoon meets now because of the above so it's good to have some mum friends right on my doorstep as well - well not quite, but only a lane and a couple of roads away at least! We met up for a walk for our inaugural meeting but the weather was so foul we ended up cosily camped out in a cafe drinking tea and swapping baby stories and advice instead, which was just the ticket, so thanks ladies and looking forward to another catch up soon.  You too NCT ladies and partners - I miss you!

2. Happy Halloween! 

Pads got to dress up 2 days in a row as both of our baby groups were doing Halloween specials. He was of course Jack the Pumpkin King, in a super cute and cuddly fleece pumpkin romper with a hood, and I have to say, he looked his most adorable yet. Fancy dress on babies is just so right. 

Our baby sensory class was pumpkin themed too so Paddington was seriously dressed the part, and it was a fantastic class this week. (Maybe because it appealed to the Halloween lover in me!). We missed the opening song again as Pads was this time asleep and he woke up terrified by the noise bless him, so we had some cwtches to calm him down (the music is quite terrifying to be honest. I wouldn't want to wake up to it). 

The activities began with us showing big cards with different coloured images on them to our babies to see which ones they preferred - Pads was a fan of the red leaves and the yellow lemon tree, not the firey dots and bluey green plasma that apparently 80% of babies prefer. Striking out with his individuality already good boy. 

Then there were flashing light-up maracas to play with in the dark (a real hit with my boy so they have gone to the top of his Xmas list), a colourful wall and ceiling light show and a 'glowing' tissue paper bonfire to really get the senses going, as well as a cool basket of autumnal smells including a parsnip, baby pumpkin (munchkin?!), dried orange and lemon slices and a whole dried lime for him to sniff and feel. The smell basket was a fab idea and his little face was full of expression at the different aromas - the dried lime was his least fav as it smelt so bitter but the dried citrus fruits and parsnip were winners. 

He loved lying on a faux fur rug and having brightly coloured chiffon scarves draped over him and dangled in front of him in the play time break, but he was a bit tired out by this point so we stopped for a gentle feed to recharge his batteries and came back for part 2 of the activities, which culminated in a very cool pumpkin patch with giant inflated pumpkins and green rope lights strewn across the floor, orange balloons being dropped from above and a bubble machine pumping out tiny light reflecting bubbles which had Pads in a complete wonder, especially when they popped right in front of his nose! It was a real treat for the senses, even for me, so I think Pads was completely excited and stimulated by the whole experience. It was a really fun class. Maybe it was because the group was smaller this week because of half term so everyone seemed friendlier, and perhaps because the theme was so appealing and the activities really interested Pads, I left feeling very impressed and like I had learnt more about what my baby likes and responds to and why.

3. 1 year ago today...Trick or treat? 

Halloween is very special to us as it was on Halloween last year that we found out we were pregnant. Whilst watching 'Death becomes her'. As you do. I had been complaining to Jon of having a weird metallic taste in my mouth twice that week and had been drinking a lot more water than I usually do yet still feeling really thirsty. Jon had his suspicions as we were trying to get preggers, so he bought two pregnancy kits. I thought there was no way I was pregnant yet, and was convinced I'd just know if I was anyway, but there was no harm in doing the tests so that night, halfway through the movie, I needed a wee, so took the stick in with me and expected nothing of it. 

A minute or so passed with a few nervous feelings as we waited for the stick to show up the result, then I went back into the bathroom to check on it and it clearly said 'pregnant'. No mincing of its words there. I was a bit stunned actually, though we were trying, as I had expected it to take up to a year or more and we were only a couple of months in to actually trying properly. I quietly and seriously called Jon's name upon seeing that 8 letter word and came back to the bedroom holding the stick. All at once I felt elated, nervous, scared, overwhelmed, excited and shocked (still do!). Jon's face just lit up with a huge grin and after several long hugs and both of us double checking that it did indeed definitely say 'pregnant', we sat down to excitedly chatter about what it might be like to be parents and who was growing inside me. The next morning I did the other test just to make sure I was still pregnant, and yup, I was. 

Little did we know then how much our gorgeous Paddington would change our lives for the better or what an absolutely beautiful and characterful boy he would be from the off. Best thing we ever did was have you buddy. Definitely a treat to receive on Halloween 2014 (not a trick!) 

4. Play hard. 

On Monday we had a real play day and it was incredibly bonding - not that we need to bond, we are a tight little mum and son unit already, but I felt even closer and more in sync with my little man afterwards.  We play everyday without fail, even if it's just for a short while, but this was a big whole day of play and he loved all the attention and variety. 

After our morning Tinies class, where we did baby yoga and tummy time, we then came home to baby gym play time - some on his own then some with me when he started grizzling. Then we did tummy time play on a cushion and explored rolling - he prefers rolling onto the right side it seems, so I was encouraging him to also roll on to his left.  He kept rolling out of tummy time on to his back, not staying on his belly for more than 20-30 seconds at a time so we kept that activity short. 

We played with 2 teething rings and my teething necklace, grabbing, holding, bringing to his mouth and having a chew, and then did funny noises and faces which produced his fantastic chuckle again- pure gold. 

Next up, was some mirror time where I carried him over to the long hall mirror so he could look at himself and smile and coo and I tried out a bit of peek-a-boo to his mirror image which was met with more of a serious 'what are you doing' face than the glee I had hoped for. Then we moved the mirror play on to the bed with some side lying time with his fav mirror book that also makes crinkly noises so he loves to grab at the pages. 

Some 'aeroplane' fun followed and his current fav game is for me to lift him up over my head and let him push his feet against my collarbone whilst he looks down at my face, I pull funny faces back up at him and he giggles like a loon. Huge fun to be taller than mummy (it won't be long until he actually is at this rate!). A little row row row your boat with actions, facing me on my lap, got another excellent reaction from Pads. He totally loves this tune. (He had a real Paddy in the car this week and when I started singing this song, he calmed right down. Then when I stopped, he started up again so I tried the song again to see if it was just a fluke, but nope, it worked again! He liked it even better when the next time I sang it, Jon joined in so we were singing it in the round. It's very satisfying - try it.)

We finished off with some stretching and foot rattle play, which got some fab high kicking reactions from him and he kept lifting both feet in the air, having a good look at them and then rolling onto his right side then onto his back again, over and over. A little more tummy time looking at a black and white picture collage I made for him completed our play day. This was all interspersed with some feeds and nappy changes of course but our focus was on play. He was an absolute delight to be around and really responsive and reactive to the activities. That's my boy. I loved this day to bits.

5. Baby first aid. 

We attended a free first aid course run by the terrific St John's Ambulance, and though I hope I never have to use any of the skills I learnt, I am glad that I know what to do if Pads, or any other baby for that matter, should stop breathing or choke. Scary stuff to think about when it comes to your own baby but so important to be prepared and armed with the right information. I got to practice resuscitation techniques on a doll as it's all well and good knowing the theory but putting it into practice is another thing entirely, and I am glad I did as I forgot to open the doll's airways before doing mouth to mouth, meaning that the oxygen wasn't getting through so that's stuck in my head now to hopefully never forget if the time comes to use it. 

Here are the basics of what I learnt about first aid for a baby that has stopped breathing/collapsed: (interestingly babies collapse because they have stopped breathing so they need oxygen straight away, whereas an adult would collapse first then stop breathing after)

• Danger - make sure the area, the baby and you are safe before you proceed. 
• Response - before you do anything, try and get a response from the baby so using their name if you know it, talking to them loudly, making noises that would usually elicit a response - if nothing, then continue as this means they are unconscious, rather than just sleeping. 
• Shout for help - always get back up and someone to help you call 999 
• Airway - if you have assessed that they are not responsive, then the most important first step is to open the baby's airway, as when they are laying on their back, their airway is not open due to their larger head, unlike adults. Placing a rolled up cloth/piece of clothing/tea towel under their shoulders will do the trick.
• Breathing - check for 10 seconds, so listen, look at their chest - is it moving up and down at all, and place your cheek near their mouth to see if you can feel any breath. It may be easier to quickly remove a layer of clothing to help determine breathing as babies are often layered up, but don't be slow about it, just get a layer off quick. 
• If no breath detected, then Dial 999
• While you wait for the rescue services, give 5 rescue breaths covering over the baby's nose and mouth with your mouth, in a child under 1, plus 30 quick compressions. These are done with 2 fingers together in the middle of the chest and should be short and staccato like, and fairly firm.  Then give another 2 rescue breaths and 30 compressions repeatedly until help arrives/they recover or you can't carry on - if the latter, try and get someone else to take over. 

And here are the basics of first aid for a baby who is choking:

• Place the baby upside down with their tummy on your knee and their head facing down. 
• Apply 5 firm thrusts to their back with a pushing motion, check to see if anything has been dislodged, if not then turn them over onto their back, still on your knee and apply 5 firm abdominal thrusts. You can do this for up to 3 cycles only. 
• If they are still choking and nothing has come out then call 999. If you have managed to dislodge whatever was choking them, you still need to get them checked over as the thrusts can bruise so drive them to a and e yourself, don't call an ambulance if they are no longer choking.  

6. The next 'Wonder Weeks' developmental leap - Events. 

Boy, this is a long leap (lasting well over a month oh joy!) and I do think it is affecting his sleeping and feeding and making him much clinger and more demanding in general. He really shouts now when he wants attention and goes to histrionic crying when he is hungry or tired with lightening speed. We have to really be on the ball at the moment and quick to react - which is hard on little sleep!

Here's how this leap is changing him. He is possibly even more active than usual, loving a good leg thrashing at any opportunity whether in his car seat, changing table, baby gym or mat, and he has always loved a good stretch, but now, perhaps because there is so much of him to stretch, it seems that he puts more of his body into it.  When we have been out and about we have had a lot of comments about how alert he is and how interested in the world around him he is.

He is grasping things a lot more and with much better accuracy, and 9 times out of 10, once he has grabbed something he wants to put it in his mouth straight away. If I wave his teething ring or a muslin or pretty much anything in front or to the side of him, he will reach out and grasp it and hold it until it bores him.  He is chewing on the teething ring often now so I do think he has started the teething process poor guy. 

He is reaching for my face when it's near to him too, interested mostly in my mouth, and easily batting and grabbing things on his gym. He has very active spurts on the gym, looking around at all the toys and images hanging down and moving his body about with purpose, and then he will stop for a pause and a moment of stillness as if taking it all in and then start up again until he gets bored and then he lets me know immediately! They say the baby gym is where he practices his hand eye co-ordination and figures out what his hands can do and he is certainly doing that I'd say.

He definitely reacts to his mirror image and will look for me in the room if I have stepped away for a bit. He lets us know when he wants something with shouts and is a very impatient chap these days, whimpering and cry shouting if he doesn't get my boob fast enough usually! 

He seems to be getting to know his name as I have been singing a song to help him recognise it everyday and he loves the song and beams at me when I say his name in it so I think he is getting there. He has definitely grown both physically and mentally a lot this week it seems, with more certain movements and confidence with the sounds he makes. 

When we do nappy changes and after the bath during our massage, I try to give him some naked time as I think it's important for him to get more of a sense of his body and to just be free of clothes, nappies and restrictions for a bit, and get some fresh air on his skin. He certainly responds well to a bit of nudey play so I think we should try and do this more often to help him master physical skills better and just be free. As naked as the day he was born you might say!

7. Intolerance to TV violence.

My tolerance for tv violence has plummeted and I cannot watch babies in distress or danger on the tele anymore. We were watching 'The Walking Dead' and there was a scene where a character threatened a baby and I just couldn't watch. I couldn't look or listen to it, so instead turned to my sleeping boy and watched him until the scene was over and I could watch again. It was such a strong aversion to the content that I have never felt before, and some of the violence in the show that would never have made me even blink an eye before, I found too much, over the top, grotesque and un-necessary. This is a surprising change in my viewing tone. I guess in being a mum you want the world to be a good and safe place for your child and even watching a fictional world gone bad, brought out my protective and no-tolerance-for-this-sort-of-thing side.

8. Kickers. 

Pads wore shoes for the first time - just your casual lace up sneaker boot style - and they made him super curious about his feet. It was so cute to watch him keep lifting his feet in the air, flailing his legs out and even stomping them to the ground in wonder at these things on the end of his legs. You could say they have him a real kick.

9. Is the 4 month regression happening a week early?! (Or bang on time if you factor in that he was 9 days overdue?!!)

Pads has started waking a LOT more for night feeds and not sleeping for as long as he has done, and that I know he can. He is also waking more when I put him down in his cot so we are co-sleeping a lot more again which means that I don't sleep as well as am conscious of his safety and he takes up most of the bed so I am back on the edge, watching both of my boys sleep usually! And he is harder to get to sleep at night, taking longer to settle. I know this sleep regression is happening to a lot of mum friends at the moment so what is going on? The clocks going back may have a lot to answer for! 

For 4 nights in a row, and counting , after going to sleep around 8.30-9pm ish, he has been waking at midnight, then at 1am, 3am,5am and again at 6.30am, wanting feeds and much more comfort than usual each time for at least half an hour, so as you can imagine, we aren't getting a lot of sleep. This harks back to how he was in the first few weeks so seems to be a regression- or could it be teething?! I am just hoping it's not permanent as I am struggling to cope with the sleep deprivation after getting used to our nice blocks of sleep! Am definitely feeling like a 'mombie' this week, to steal a good pun from a friend!  

He has also been much more distracted during feeds, sometimes tilting his head to the side fully - with my nip in his mouth, ouch! - to look at something or respond to sound. Or sometimes barely feeding at all but wanting to be on the nipple for comfort and freaking out when I try and take him off when I know he isn't feeding. 

He has got messier at feeding again too, somewhat sloppier even and am having to once again pay more attention to him during feeds to keep him latched on properly and winded, and to stop him chewing on me or hurting me! And he wants more feeds still! At night he gets so impatient and excited for a feed, he thrashes his legs in anticipation, looking at me with wide, expectant eyes and starts to complain with grumbles or shouts or crying within seconds of me hearing him wake. Give me chance to get you out of the cot and into the side lying position mate! Me clipping my night bra open and actually getting the boob out is almost too much for him to bear and he is usually going crazy by this point as if I have left him waiting for hours starving and unfed while I get ready to feed, when actually it has been more like 20 seconds.

He's also not playing on his own for more than 10 mins anymore and demanding my attention pretty much all of the time again! I haven't been able to express for over a week as I do not have the time with him! And preparing/eating food requires stealth and speed, as the window of distraction for him is so small again. He is fine when I play with him but loses it pretty quick if I try to leave him to it for a bit as I used to. 

Oh those blissful days when he'd be happy and content playing in his gym for 45 mins and I could actually get stuff done/have some time to myself - I miss them!  So whether this is regression or perhaps he is learning new skills and developing fast at the moment so that's put him out of kilter, I do not know, but I am starting to dread his 3rd set of jabs again next week as they could throw him off even further.

10. Malting.

I am losing a serious amount of hair currently, which luckily for me as I have a lion's mane, isn't showing yet, but when I brush it or just after its washed, it is coming out in clumps. great, another after perk of pregnancy.  There's only one solution and that is to get a labrador to blame the blonde hairs that are everywhere on.

11. Scary sounds.

I have just begun to notice over the past 2 days that Pads is getting scared by loud or sudden noises. And I mean really shocked into red faced, limbs bunched up, hands in stiff claws, wailing scared.  He needs instant cuddles and 'there theres' to calm him down and looks really shaken for the next minute.  So far its been the hairdryer -which used to calm in funnily enough, the hoover - same scenario, cars driving past fast when we are on the pavement and just now when I sneezed whilst he was breastfeeding. 

He has only just started doing this and sound has never really bothered him before - only his father's cough, the loo being flushed or keys being thrown down on to a table startled him before.  It is a scary old world out there and I hope its just because he doesn't know what the sounds are and they have all been quite sudden ones, so they startle him, but am going to keep am extra close eye in case its something to do with his ears bless him.

12. A day in the life....How my day unfolds at home. 

As we are feeding every couple of hours again, my day usually goes something like this at home (when we don't have a baby group or catch up with friends to distract us.) Say it's 10am, we sit and feed for maybe 30-40mins, both boobs if possible, then either have a wind or he may have fallen asleep for a cat nap - on me of course, so I have 2 choices: let him sleep on me until he wakes up, which probably means he will get about half an hour and I will get some quiet time, albeit with a sleeping baby attached to me (which is lush so I do often chose this option and stick on an episode of Scandal as my 'rest' time - I know, such a bad mother) or try and put him down to sleep, which I know is the 'recommended' method but usually means that either a.) he will wake up as soon as I put him down no matter how carefully I bend down with him/place and roll etc... Or that b.) he will go down so peacefully looking and give me 3-5 mins of tease sleep where I think "boom! Nailed it! I can go to the loo/get something done"...then he's awake again and bawling. It's now probably around 11.

So I do a stealth nappy change in under a minute in case that's what's bothering him, then try and settle him again and get him to go back to sleep but he is having none of it thanks. A cat nap and a clean nap-nap (yes, I have succumbed to the new mum trait of calling nappies, 'nap-naps'. Don't ask me why or how this happened. It just did.) was all he wanted thanks very much. I still need that wee at this point so I pop him on his baby gym and he delights in all the fun toys, extra bits of muslin hanging down, tissue paper, black and white pics I have lovingly fixed to the arches, time and effort etc...that I have put into making it a varied, stimulating and inspiring space for him, cooing and ahhing and smiling and I think "great, this is great", so off to the loo I go, then I pop the kettle on, do a quick chore with impressive efficiency and speed such as empty the dishwasher/ put a load of washing on/ hang up a load of washing etc...,sterilise the expressing equipment/start assembling the pump for use, and start wondering what I'll do next - maybe finish reading that book I started in late pregnancy, I've got some calls I could make, or should I hoover? - then he decides the gym is now boring/ un-stimulating/over-stimulating/the absolute worse place ever and starts crying. It's now around 11.20 and I never did get round to making a cup of tea.

I try to settle him either by joining in his play or picking him up for cuddles if he's too far gone to the dark side. We then play together for a lovely 20 mins or so until he gets bored/ tired, with both of us smiling, laughing and developing our skills (me as a parent and responding to what skill he wants to work on at that time or what toy/activity amuses him the most at this time, and him, as a tiny human learning how to do everything from scratch!), with me taking a bunch of cute pics/videos of him. It's now around 11.40.

He then yawns/ rubs his eyes/ looks away distracted, so I know he is tired and try to get him to nap with a combo of head strokes, cuddles, rocking, ssshing etc... None of them work as he wants to fight sleep and look around/ practice a new skill he has learnt. It is now around 11.55. 

I pop him back on the gym/ on the mat for tummy time/ sitting up on my lap/ propped up on my knees and play another game or two or just give him lovely smiles and eye contact if that's what he's into at that moment, whilst figuring out my next move - perhaps a walk outside will get him to sleep or maybe I'll pop him in the sling so I can get something done, and then he starts rooting/ stretching his neck and mouth sideways and up in hungry anticipation, sucking his hand/thumb, crying or a combination of all of the above. It's now noon and 2 hours have somehow managed to pass already since his last feed as cruelly you time it from the start of the feed, not the end, meaning you are already doomed when you start (life really is that cruel), and it's time to repeat the whole cycle again until bath and bed time when a whole new set of fun and games begins. This is why a new mum never gets anything done.