Week 19 - crankiness, carrots and counting sheep

Week 19

This week has been a bit up, and a lot down unfortunately and I am placing the blame for this uneven turn of emotions at the feet of that elusive temptress, sleep. She has not been our friend for over a month now and the cracks are beginning to show. Tiredness aside, I think we are definitely both crankier, more emotional, impatient and much less positive as a consequence of not getting those zzzz's. And we are both a bit under the weather. (* update - am posting this blog late this week as I got tonsillitis as a result of our lack of sleep and generally feeling run down/exhausted etc.. and am taking Padster to get checked over at the docs too to be on the safe side)

I feel like I suck at sleep. I can't get my boy to sleep and I can't get myself to sleep anymore. It's a lost art that I am really hoping to rediscover soon, for everyone's sakes! 

Here's what happened in week 19, during all those many many hours of awake time!

1. Baby acne. 

My beautiful baby boy came out in red, sore looking spots on his left cheek that seem quite dry. They look like acne, which seems really unfair for a wee bairn to get but apparently it is quite common as they pick up your hormones. So sorry Pads, I appear to have given you baby acne. I tried putting some coconut oil on it as had read that could be a good natural remedy but it was still looking pretty raw 2 days later so have now decided just to leave it be and let water and air heal it in good time and it is already getting much better. It doesn't seem to bother him which is the main thing, it's just not very nice when your little one gets their first blemish. I was a spotty baby too so I guess he didn't stand a chance really! 

2. Balancing act. 

How do you find a balance between being the mum you need, and want to be, and being yourself? I am definitely struggling with this balancing act. I can't actually imagine ever going out again, you know to a restaurant or/and pub for a night, or having a weekend with just me and Jon. But other people manage it. I just can't see how at the moment. I guess it would help if I was awesome at expressing milk and had a massive stockpile, but I'm not and I don't, so it isn't as easy as people saying, just leave Pads with his grandparents for a night/day etc... I can't as I don't have the milk store, and as he is exclusively breast fed that makes me his personal dairy cow. I don't want to use formula if I don't have to so I have to be with my boy or at the least, very near him at all times. And I want to be too. 

But I would also love a night out or a day off from time to time. That's normal right? I am guessing the balance comes once you're ready to give a bit more to yourself and learn to let your baby go just for a little bit, and also when he starts on solids and won't be reliant on the breast for every feed. I don't think I'm quite there yet in terms of letting him go for a bit either and do you know what, that's ok. It will come. He's still very young and he needs his mum at the moment and that's where I want to be, right by his side. 

3. The best sound of all. 

I introduced some farmyard animal squirty plastic toys to bath time this week to step it up a gear in terms of fun and play. They were a total hit. He watched me dip the cow and pig under water and bring them back up again splashing over and again in delight and when I squirted water over his tum with them he gave the best laugh he has emitted yet. A proper naughty belly laugh that must be the best noise on the planet. Thank you squirty toys for bringing us such joy!

4. Pads first Xmas lights show! 

We took Padster to watch the local town lights get switched on and it was a ruddy cold day so I got to bundle him up in his super snuggly snowsuit, penguin hat and gloves. There was a mini concert and carols so we had a lovely al fresco bop with him in the carrier and he loved it. So much to see and hear and a lot of red everywhere at this time of year which is definitely his fav colour as he always drawn to anything red in a room. I cannot wait for his first Christmas now! And all the Christmasses to come! Tis the season for kids really isn't it and I will get to be a big kid too and do all the things that used to get me so excited as a young 'un for my boy. Bring it!!! 

5. Night mare on Elms street. 

So sleep is worse than ever at the moment and I am a total 'mombie'. I may never sleep again. He is waking on average 6-8 times every single bloody night, and usually he wakes and immediately starts crying and he's so impatient thesedays! If, sorry, when, he wakes, I have about 2 seconds before he starts a gentle cry that escalates to full on 'oh my god oh my god I'm so hungry/tired/hot/cold/alone/scared of the dark/all of the above/none of the above' wailing. I try desperately not to feed him each time he wakes so spend most of my nights cuddling and swaying, singing and ssshing then doing ridiculously gentle and agile put-downs into his cot once he has made me think he has gone to sleep, then I creep back to my bed so quietly and just lay there with my fingers crossed and wait for him to wake up again moments later, or sometimes, he will sleep for up to an hour - I know, a full hour, what a treat!!!  I don't sleep for that hour anymore as I am basically just waiting for him to wake up and wondering what strategy I will try to get him to go back to sleep, so I am running on empty. 

(Jon has been sleeping in the spare room so he can function at work the next day, and keep working on our cottage renovation some nights and all weekends, but even if he didn't, he sleeps through most of Padster's crying and waking usually anyway, so when the night sets in, it's a really long solo shift that I know isn't going to go well from the off). 

This no sleep gubbins is sustainable right?! 3 - 4 hours a night in broken bursts is totally do-able forever, right?! I know that 'this too will pass' and all that, but when?! It would be great to know. Come on buddy, please sleep again!! We may have to change our whole routine at this rate and go back to the beginning with sleep as this is not working out at all. 

6. The back to work chat. 

I had to finally bite the bullet and admit that this gorgeous maternity leave won't last forever and have my first chat about returning to work. I cannot imagine leaving my baby boy for more than a few hours at the moment, nor not spending the day playing with/gazing at him, but I know that it will have to be done at some point and especially when the statutory maternity pay dries up! I am thoroughly enjoying spending all my time with my brilliant baby and really appreciate this time we have and are spending together (of course I don't love every single second, but on the whole it is lush). I think we are making the most of it and I am going to keep being 'just a mum' for as long as I can before I have to go back to work and begin a whole new kind of juggling act!

7. Why you don't give a baby a piece of paper to play with. 

We went to Asda and I had a paper voucher for money off some swim nappies which was really colourful and attractive to Pads so I let him hold it and play with it while I made the purchase. When we got back to the car I noticed that his index finger and middle finger on his left hand were covered in blood.  Shocked and a little scared, my instincts kicked in and I scooped him up and immediately put his fingers in my mouth to remove the blood (seem to remember hearing that spit has some mild form of antiseptic in it once too??) and take a closer look. It was a tiny little paper cut on his index finger. Crap. That's why you don't give paper to a baby you moron! After a second suck on his fingers, the blood stopped and the panic was over and you couldn't even see the cut a few hours later. He was totally unfazed by the whole thing. Didn't even notice, but I learnt a valuable lesson in what not to let him play with in future!

8. Salty face. 

When he cries now, and I mean really cries, the tears come a-flowing pretty fast bless him and they are so incredibly salty! How do I know this you may ask? Well it's instinct to pick your baby up and give them kisses when they are upset, so when I kiss his face I've been picking up some of his tears on my lips and they are like sea water! Who knew?! (I realise that those last 2 points make it sound like I am always licking my baby. I am not. Honest.)

9. The carrot. 

He is still too young to wean as we are going for the 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding approach before starting weaning, but he is enjoying watching me cook in the kitchen and this week I let him hold a cold peeled carrot, which like everything at the moment, went straight into his mouth! He looked pretty shocked and uncertain at first but gave it a little rub on his gums for a bit and turned it over in his hands before discarding it. I then gave him an orange pepper the next evening which he was v excited about, as it perhaps resembled a boob shape wise?! He tried to put this in his mouth but it didn't really work so he dropped it to the floor. 

He has really developed massively in just this week in terms of his hand/eye co-ordination and cause and effect learning. He can grab, hold, pass between his hands, shake, lift, drop, swipe, reach, hit and touch things he is interested in. It's so gratifying to watch and he has picked it all up really quickly. Is this why he's not sleeping as he is busy learning and practicing?!!

It's great that he is showing healthy interests in food at this stage. I am really looking forward to weaning - hope he's a good eater! 

10. Double dunk. 

It was the 2nd week of his swimming course and he is really starting to kick his legs in the swim position now. There were 2 underwater swims this week and the first was a bit scary as he cried after, but by the 2nd one he was fine and did the cutest intake of breath and shutting of his eyes before going under. What a pro. 

The water in the pool was a little cooler than it should've been so we had to get him out a bit earlier than usual as his hands were going a bit purple. I took him into the shower to warm him up and he experienced warm falling water for the first time.  It had quite a strong water pressure so was falling quite heavily and loudly and he wasn't overly sure about it to be honest, looking a bit confused and startled, so we cut the shower short. That was a lot of water adventures for one day.

11. Single handed. 

As I have a lovely cuddly baby who doesn't always want to be put down on his many comfy play mats/baby gym/bouncing chair options, I spend a lot of time with him in my arms going about our day as a duo and this has led to me honing a fine skill. I have become an absolute pro at doing pretty much anything with one hand, from putting on shoes to making lunch to vacuuming and hanging out the washing. I only need one hand free and I can accomplish many things. There is however only one thing that I just cannot do with one hand no matter how hard I have tried. And that is spread butter, or jam or whatever, onto bread. It is impossible to do single handedly without just tearing the bread. If you haven't tried it, do, and let me know if you can crack it!

12. Time is an illusion! 

As a final thought, it now takes me anywhere up to 3 hours to watch a 45 minute programme on the tv planner. I tried to watch Made in Chelsea (don't judge me! It's my guilty pleasure), while he was having a feed. It was 1pm. I kept pausing it when he needed winding, then when he had finished feeding and wanted attention, then when he got bored playing on his mat after a few minutes, then when he needed a nappy change, then when he was sick and needed his top changed and so on and so forth. I finally finished watching the episode at 4pm. And I have no idea what really happened in it either. (Probably nothing of note I hear you scathingly think. And you're probably right!)

***

We also ticked off Chepstow Castle in our Welsh Castles Challenge this week.  Its massive! Another one I somehow never visited when I lived in Wales as a child.

Week 18 - rocking and rolling

Week 18

Paddington is now actually 4 months! Woohoo! And he seems to have had a bit of a growth spurt this week to celebrate. He has delicious chunky thighs with those yummy rolls at the top, a nice plump belly, some serious baby guns and such a lot of gorgeous blonde hair coming through now.  He has also stretched again and seems to be all legs at the moment! He feels like a sturdy little unit too, no longer a little skinny, fragile baby, but a proper robust little baby boy. 

Here's what week 18 looked like. 

1. I'm watching you.  

His new fascination is watching me eat or drink. I often have a snack, glass of water or my lunch/dinner when we are having a breastfeed, and he has started noticing the food or glass I am bringing up to my mouth, which makes him stop what he's doing to have a proper look and smile at me. He sometimes starts to chat a bit then too and watch me chew or swallow with a look of wonder before going back to his feed. He has tried to grab a slice of pizza from my hands when he has been sat in my lap too so he is definitely becoming more aware and interested in food which is great. We are a couple of months off weaning yet but I want him to have a healthy interest in food and associate it with happiness and calmness so I think we are off to a good start. 

2. Passing comments - at last, some good ones!

A lady at our baby sensory class made my day when she commented that Pads is the spitting image of me. She said we had the same piercing blue eyes and he clearly had my facial shape. I felt myself swell with pride at this, one heck of a compliment there as I think my son is the most beautiful thing ever created. Of course! 

We also had another two fab comments from strangers this week - about time after all those busy body smart arse ones we are used to getting - so thanks to the lady with her son who stopped us on a miserable, windy day to congratulate us on our 'great hats, both of you!' - and she was spot on, we do have great hats (mine a bright pink bobble hat, Pads a hedgehog knitted hat with eyes and a nose). 

Then at swimming, a lovely lady commended me on Padster's outfit and the 'lovely bright colours' he was sporting, then commented that he was 'so well behaved, alert and happy' and asked what my secret was!!! Ha! I wish I knew! Felt good to have someone tell us we were doing a great job though without specifically saying those words, but we certainly looked like we had it all under control which is something! (If only she knew!). Keep these lovely comments coming people. 

3. No sleep = brainy baby. Or something. 

I heard someone say that tricky sleepers are more intelligent babies, which is why they keep waking up as they are developing and learning so much and need to process and practice more often. Of course its probably complete b.s, but when I'm awake for the 4th time in the night with my little bear, it offers a little comfort that it's just because my boy is so clever. Clearly Pads is an absolute genius in the making.

In all seriousness though, I do think he has been making some big developmental leaps over the past couple of weeks, which would explain the increased night wakings. He has really been putting some time and effort into his rolling and has almost figured out how to go from his back all the way to his front (front to back he has been nailing for a while now). In tummy time, he loves to roll to the left usually, onto his back, and has also been trying to raise his bum and move his legs - uh oh, the precursor to the crawl I fear! 

He is also practising trying to blow a raspberry back at me with great conviction. Early this week, for the first time, he started trying to mimic me every time I blew a raspberry at him. He can't do the tongue and blow combo yet, but he can make the sound with his lips as he blows out air, so he is very nearly there. See, clever boy. Surely Einstein was an early raspberry blower too?!!!

His chatter patter has stepped up a gear too and he has started playing with his vowel sounds more and making 'vvvvv' and 'ffff' noises which are new to him.  He has also been experimenting with volume I reckon and loves a big old shout and screech, as well as a quiet babble to himself or his toys. 

4. Little dunker. 

We started our swimming course this week and he is beginning to enjoy it I think. He actually giggled and grinned at me when we were doing the swim section and started kicking his legs about which was so good to see. He didn't cry when he was dunked under the water this time either and gave me a gorgeous smile just before he went under. He started getting a bit cold in the last 5 minutes of the session again so needed more cuddles to share my body heat but all in all, I would say he had a good time and he is definitely picking up the idea of what to do in the water. 

As for the changing room challenge, we bossed it this time as we were much better prepared. I would totally recommend taking a plastic covered foam change mat, as it was so easy to just pop him on as soon as we got there for me to change without him rolling off, then get him ready on it, and it squished down into the locker just fine, then when we came out of the pool, I popped him on the change mat again and removed all his wet kit and the drenched towel I'd bundled him in poolside, and quickly wrapped him in a new fresh dry towel to dry him faster and more efficiently. Then I could dress him speedily and leave him on the mat knowing he wouldn't roll onto the wet floor, while I sorted myself out. I also recommend taking a big bag for life carrier to shove all the wet stuff in to worry about later.  Swimming and changing aced this week. Oh and we met a lovely lady with her little girl who used to live a few doors down from us on our old road in London - it's a small world isn't it?! 

5. Touching my face. 

This is Pads latest game. He likes to do it when we wake in the morning (or to wake me up!) and after a feed especially. He delights in reaching out to touch my mouth and my lips and loves it when I pretend nibble his fingers and make exaggerated wide mouthed facial expressions. 

He has also started trying to pop his fingers up my nose which is less cute, and occasionally in my eye. I guess he is busy figuring out what faces are and what all the sticking-out-bits on them do. It's fun to be a part of his exploration and man I love the way he gazes up at me. It's quite something to wake up to - those gorgeous big baby blues attentively scouring my face, arms outstretched to begin some face play. I bloody love it. (A bonus of co-sleeping to wake up next to my Padster every morning).

6. Sleep... 

Just when we thought it was already bad enough, we had 2 of the worst nights yet and in succession, which is always great. Paddington just didn't want to go to sleep in the first place, though he was clearly completely knackered. He kept dropping off, so I'd think 'fab, here we go', then somewhere between 4- 10 minutes later, he'd start crying out loud, but still with his eyes shut so I didn't know if he was really awake or not. The crying would last too long and be quite strong, like he was in pain or really upset by something to just be a mid-sleep cry, so I'd have to pick him up and start the settling process all over again and put him down to sleep, only for this to happen up to four times in a row, when I would then need to feed him again to get him to settle. And then he would only sleep for 1.5 hours maximum before waking and crying, and needing soothing/feeding/cuddling etc... and so on and so on, deep into the night and early morning. 

I found myself rocking him and singing, rather half heartedly by this point, at who knows what hour, with my eyes literally dropping shut every time I tried to open them and I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing up even if he wasn't. This too must pass. Please. And soon! 

This is a very trying time. I can handle a small amount of sleep, it's the constantly interrupted stop-start sleep that is really tough. We didn't know how good we had it back in those days when he slept

for an average of 4-6 hours straight! In one uninterrupted block. I miss those days. 

Anything is possible with a block of sleep. (There was a timely sleep article in the news this week where researchers have 'discovered' that the worst kind of sleep you can get is the constantly interrupted kind, i.e being a parent sleep. It's better to have a short sleep like 3 or 4 hours straight a night and no more, than to keep being woken up after a short burst of sleep over the course of a night. I could've saved them the research money and told them that. Apparently you are more likely to get depressed, have weight issues, fall ill easier and get stressed with this stop-start sleep pattern. Brilliant.)

On another associated note, does anyone else find the evenings really tricky to time? I have been finding that me eating dinner keeps getting in the way, and I still have to go to bed when Paddington does (note I don't say go to sleep when he sleeps, as I am finding it increasingly difficult to fall asleep now as I know he will be awake again soon. In fact, I am probably getting the least amount of sleep I have ever had at the moment, and this has become the norm over the past couple of weeks) as a) I need to feed him in bed, as that's always been part of our bed routine and is a trigger to make him sleepy, and then I have to try to get him to actual sleep, and then be near to settle him back down when he inevitably keeps waking, so it's just easier if I go to bed at the same time, and b) his first chunk of sleep has always been his longest - until the last 2 nights! - so if I don't get that as well, then I can end up only getting a couple of hours of really interrupted sleep overall, so those first few asleep hours of his are crucial for my survival too! 

We used to have a routine that was bathing him when Jon gets home from work, (notably, and another tricky factor in our evening routine, we have to pick Jon up from the station every night, so we have been waiting to do the bedtime routine until after we got back, to try not to disrupt Pads by putting him in the car after we'd put all the work in getting him relaxed), getting him in his sleepy suit, then popping him on for a feed downstairs while I fed too, then going up to try and get him to sleep with some reading and soothing, but he tends to just wake up and need more feeds and then not get to sleep until hours later now. Possibly because me having dinner after his bath was disturbing the time slot that he wanted to go to sleep in, so we tried us eating first while he fed but he was usually a bit cranky so I would end up gobbling my dinner and getting indigestion, then going up for a bath, massage and to bed, but this always seems to result in him getting to bed much later - especially if Jon's train runs late, which invariably it does - so he would be over-tired and therefore, yup, unable to sleep for ages and in need of more feeds (see a pattern here?!). It definitely seems that me having to eat dinner is the cause of none of these systems working! Dammit, why do I need to eat?! 

So I tried switching it all earlier for a few days this week and letting Jon take the car to get himself to and from the station, so we don't have to factor that in our timings (it does leave us stranded on the lane on those days as there is no such thing as public transport this far out in the country!, but hey ho, nothing is ever easy is it?! and we can at least still get out for a walk). I ate first, on my tod, at around 5.30pm (which is so early for me that I'm not even that hungry - is this the secret to postnatal weight loss?!!), then bath and massage and in bed for an evening feed well before 7pm. And I'm now turning off the dim lamp we have been using at night and just popping on a low night light, so the room is much darker, to see if that helps send sleep signals to his brain. 

The earlier routine seemed to work a bit better as its not too late to bed for the little man and he was less cranky and not overtired, but sadly, it means I can't eat with Jon and still doesn't guarantee that Pads will be asleep much earlier than the other routines, just that I may spend longer, with less crying from him admittedly, trying to get him to sleep! It is early days on the new early plan though so going to keep going with it for a while and hope for the best! It's so bloody tricky to get it right isn't it?! Sleep you are a slippery bastard. 

7. Breastfeeding peer support training. 

I am really enjoying this course and hope I can put it to good use in helping, or rather empowering other women on their breastfeeding journey, in the future. We discussed the main things to offer support to new mums being attachment (or latch), and positioning (how you hold the baby). For attachment, there is a useful acronym to help remember what to look out for: CHINS.

Close - keep the baby's body tight in against yours so you are both touching - body contact is really important in any breastfeeding position

Head - ensure the baby's head can move freely and you don't have your hand or arm on it restricting the movement, which is a very common habit to get into for comfort but could be affecting the latch

Inline - check the baby's head and body are inline, so not twisted. It is very tricky to eat properly with your head turned (try it!) so make sure the baby's head is straight for better access to the nipple

Nose to nipple - before the baby latches, line their nose up to your nipple as this will ensure that they tip their head back and latch on correctly - not too high or too low.

Sustainability - make sure you and the baby are comfortable as you may be feeding for a while so grab any cushions, supports, drinks, snacks etc... before you start.

Pads went to the crèche again almost for the full hour and a half, but 15 minutes before the end of the session, my gorgeous little boy was brought into the room by one of the nursery assistants as he had been crying and giving off hunger cues bless him, so I gave him a feed there and then to a chorus of coos and 'aahhs' from the other ladies as he was looking particularly cute. 

The course leader asked if everyone could observe our feed and if she could use me as a demo to explain what to look out for which I agreed to, and luckily, we both played our parts beautifully. It just happened to be a textbook biological feed - Pads latch was spot on, his position was good and I had managed to sit nice and tall in the chair 'like a page 3 model' (as the lactation legend that is Carol Walton had taught me!).  I am not sure we could do the position as well again if we tried, and it certainly doesn't always go this well, so it felt pretty good to be used as a good example of correct attachment and positioning for once.  My, we have come a long way on our breastfeeding journey, which is exactly why I want to be there for other new mums so they can stick at it with confidence. 

8. Rockabye baby. 

We discovered the most amazing baby music: gorgeous instrumental lullaby covers of my absolute favourite band in the whole wide world - Pearl Jam, and they are brilliant. Honestly, I wasn't expecting much but I think they are lovely and it was so relaxing to be able to sing along and serenade my little boy with the songs I have loved for years. The best bit though, is Pads actually really seemed to enjoy them too and they did chill him out and helped him unwind before bath and bed. We have since realised there is a whole range of these Rockabye Baby CDs from Jay Z to Aerosmith, Eminem to Madonna, and even Queens of the Stone Age (but no Beastie Boys yet, come on, what is up with that?!), so we have treated ourselves to a couple more (Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Bruce Springsteen and Green Day since you asked), as these are now going to become part of our evening wind down routine - for both of us!

9. Work it baby work it. 

I attempted to kickstart some sort of keep fit (or should that be get fit?!) routine by working out with Padster. We did lunges and squats with me holding Paddington and lifting him up, which he found pretty exciting, and then some side twists and little press ups, and a plank with him on the floor and me hovering over him, which again, he thought was great fun, but his favourite move was sitting on my tummy facing me while I lay on my back and did pelvic tilts and the bridge position. This got actual chuckles from the little man as I raised him up and down on my tum. It was actually really good fun for both of us and didn't feel like a chore for me, but I definitely felt like I had had a workout after, so am hoping I keep this up at least twice a week. Got to try and get rid of this mum tum somehow, but easier said than done right?!!

10. The Welsh castles challenge continued. 

We explored Usk castle this week, and I can't believe that I have never been there before! It's a really cool, spooky, ruined castle in someone's (rather large) back garden basically. Well worth a gander if you are in the neighbourhood, with some stunning views over the whole town. I took Pads in the ergo baby front facing position, as this is how we roll these days, and he really loves facing out so he can see the world and chatters along quite merrily while I give him a running commentary of what he's seeing and what we're doing. 

11. Up, up and away! 

I must make a special shout out to my lovely friend, nct buddy and fellow new mum/blogger Carys' fab new venture into handmade baby leggings and bibs. (How you find the time to make such gorgeous and fun baby clothes whilst being a mum to Paddington's buddy, the awesome Jude, is an inspiration!) Pads loves his cool leggings and bib (see below for proof!) and looks super cute in them so thank you for making them for him. Go on over to the Up.children page on FB and have a nose people, some really funky designs on there. Just a shame you don't make them in adult sizes!!!

                                                            

4 months in and we feel like we are starting to get a grip on some of this parenting malarky - except the sleeping part of course, but who really needs sleep anyway right?!! (Answer: me). I love watching my little bear grow and learn new things every day and helping him to explore his world and develop as best as I can.  He has brought such joy and wonder into our lives in such a short time and I love being able to spend so much time with my little guy. Now, if we could only get some sleep again, I'd be a very happy mummy. 

Week 17 - (which isn't 4 months old yet...)

Week 17

This week marks the end of those nasty baby vaccinations - hooray! Am I glad they are over? Yes. Each time they have knocked my dear little Pads back two steps and made him groggy, more unsettled and upset his tum, so I am glad he is now fully vaccinated but also very glad that he doesn't need anymore jabs until his first birthday. 

This is week 17.

1. Jab to my heart. 

As mentioned above, Pads had his final dose of the big 5 vaccine and the final meningitis b jab this week, and he gave his worst reaction so far. Real, falling from his eyes tears and such a shocked and in pain cry that caused him to then 'air cry', where their face has the most pained expression you ever did see on it, they go bright red, curl in all their limbs and fingers and toes in stiffly and look like they should be screaming but no sound, or breath it seems, comes out. This one lasted a long time so we had to pause giving the 2nd injection, until he calmed back down. Not nice for a mum to see. 

I was by myself for this set of jabs too but managed to remain nice and calm to try and soothe him. He cried a lot after the nasty injections were done and needed lots of snuggles before we left the surgery. Again, at home he was crankier and crying more than usual and also very drowsy after the Calpol so he had some long stretches of sleep on me, but other than that, luckily we escaped the fever that they can bring again, and he was back to his usual smiley, fun self by that afternoon. Now stop sticking pins in my son until he's one!

2. Water baby. 

I have been looking forward to getting Pads in the water since he was born basically. He bloody loves a splash about and a kick in the bath so I had high hopes that he'd take to swimming in a similar way. 

We were offered a free trial of the Water Babies classes so I snapped up a session and off we went. We saw one of the mums and babies we do both our other classes with in the changing room and it was good to see a familiar face as I actually felt a bit nervous when we got there incase he hated it and because I've never had to get a baby ready to swim, yet alone actually take them swimming before. Luckily the changing rooms were spacious, clean and not too warm and I had already put my cossie on under my clothes that morning so I stripped down to my now baggy (thankfully!) maternity swimsuit - cripes only knows when any of my old regular swimwear is! - then it was his turn. Swim nappy on, then the cutest little swim trunks (or Happy Nappy as its called) and a short sleeve wetsuit on top of all that. That was a top mum tip from friends who had been before us and said that even though the water is 30 degrees, that's pretty chilly for a baby still so those in wetsuits seemed to be less bothered than those babies just in trunks. This certainly seemed to be the case with Pads. 

The class was lovely and relaxed and we handed our babies one by one to the instructor so we could get safely into the pool, then followed half an hour of various swimming techniques, songs and even a little under water dunk at the end. My boy was quite shocked by the dunking and he did have a little cry and surprised splutter immediately afterwards, but generally handled the whole new experience very well and very quietly. He did suck his thumb the entire time and seemed a bit shy, perhaps overwhelmed by the new space, environment and sounds, but he definitely didn't hate it. 

I loved it. It was great to be in the water again and to do a more active specialised class, and it felt really important to be helping to teach my son to swim and feel safe and comfortable in the water. After all, our cottage backs on to a canal that crosses over a river so he is going to need to be water savvy pretty sharp ish. It was over too quickly for me, but was definitely long enough for Paddington as his hands were starting to look a little purple. Glad we had the wetsuit on or he may have needed to come out sooner. 

Changing afterwards wasn't as seamless as our getting ready had been, as not surprisingly being a swimming pool, everywhere was wet, so I struggled as to where to put him down safely and get us both changed without making him wet again after I'd dressed him. I did have the nappy changing mat with us but it's pretty slim and he rolls onto his sides all the time now, so kept rolling onto the wet floor. 

Next time, I plan on taking a spare padded changing mat with sides that's waterproof so I can lay him on that on the floor and take 3 towels for him as 2 wasn't quite enough - I used 1 to bundle him in straight out of the pool which got soaked immediately, then the other one to try and dry him quickly once I'd removed all his wet kit but it soon got drenched too so a spare would be very useful as speed is of the essence here to make sure they don't get cold after being in and out of the pool. I reckon I did a pretty good job for a first timer, though I found it hard to dry myself too, so left with a slightly soggy feeling all over. We have signed up to the course to take advantage of the discount if you do it within 24 hours and I am really looking forward to starting our swim journey together.  

3. Monkey music. 

We were all about the free trial this week. We attended a new music class in a local village hall which was good fun and Pads got to play with drums, maracas and bells and listen to some weird and wonderful instruments, such as a spirit drum and the good old triangle. These musical interludes were interspersed with what I can only liken to watching a drama student audition for a cruise ship variety show (I am not being mean, I was a drama student). Some of the older babies and toddlers seemed to love the over the top singing though but I think Pads is a bit young for that to be anything other than slightly intriguing. He was more interested in the instruments. (Good boy!)

It was different and definitely fun and we are going to try out the age specific class next week to see if that might be better tailored to Padster, as this one was for a mix of ages. I do want him to get into music early on so maybe this will help? (My renditions of popular nursery rhymes with ballsed up lyrics as I can't seem to remember any of them past the first few lines plus my free form jazz singing - don't ask why I have started doing this but it seems to calm him! - and making him listen to my fav songs on repeat is also part of his musical training)

4. Nappy thanks. 

We have been very lucky to have been given nappies that won't fit other babies anymore, by our lovely mum pals Donna and Harriet - thank you very much! That's one advantage of having a slim little one. It was the first time we've tried a different brand since our disastrous Asda experiment, and this time I must say, I am super impressed with Aldi nappies. They are as good as, if not better than the leading brand. Will def be buying these again.

5. Chuckler. 

Prepare for cuteness overload - while fast asleep, Pads let out a proper big chuckle complete with big grin! It was beyond adorable. I thought at first that he had woken up but soon realised his little eyes were still firmly shut and he was peacefully back to his usual quiet sleeping self straight after the chuckle. Now I want to know what he was dreaming about! (Boobs probably)

6. The one with the captivated baby. 

With this bloody awful rainy, gale force weather we've been dogged with in Wales this week, we haven't been able to get out for as many walks or any castle trips as usual, and have been a bit house bound on the days when we don't have classes, but I managed to find something we both enjoy doing - watching re-runs of Friends together. It not only mesmerises him and keeps him entertained for at least half an episode sometimes - pretty sure it's all the bright colours, loud voices, expressive faces and fast editing making it really exciting to watch as a baby, but it's been very relaxing and nostalgic for me too. Man I loved Friends, it's still got it all these years later! 

7. The way Forward. 

We did manage to get one big walk in across the fields which requires a few turn stiles and bumpy, muddy terrain, so not exactly buggy friendly. I used our 'hippy' sling instead and thought I'd try putting him in it facing out as he loves to look around. He looked quite startled, not to mention snug, at first, but once I got moving and put both our winter wooly hats on he was perfectly happy. I took an extra rug to wrap him in and keep us both cosy, as it was very windy and off we went on our trek. It was fab. He was gurgling away merrily at the start as I gave him a running commentary about the hills and mountains and trees and plants we were passing, and seemed very content to be facing out at the world but still close to his mum and feeling the benefits of my internal heating system! 

We returned an hour and a half later with ruddy cheeks from the wind and lots of good fresh country air in our lungs. Forward facing is definitely, ahem, the way forward from now on I reckon! Unless I want him to sleep, as there's no way he would sleep facing out with so many exciting new things to see.

8. How old?! 

I don't think it's just me, but as I have been counting down Pads age in weeks since he was born, as that's what you do and all the midwives, health visitor etc did, when it came to him being 16 weeks I naturally just assumed that meant he was now 4 months (going by the average idea that a month is a 4 week period) so I dutifully and excitedly did a cute milestone pic and uploaded it onto FB, only to feel foolish as it was pointed out to me that him being 16 weeks doesn't mean he is 4 months (are you still with me?!!) because there isn't always 4 weeks in a month. This is very bewildering to my sleep addled brain!! Tell me I am not the only one that finds this confusing?!So in reality, he won't be 4 months old until 18th November, which is super logical now I see it written down, so sorry I jumped the gun buddy and announced your 4 month birthday 2 weeks too soon! I might just stick to counting in weeks until he is at least 6 months as I know where I am with that! 

9. It was acceptable in the 80's. 

I did the 2nd class of my breastfeeding peer support training which was really good and the course leader who trained as a midwife in the 80's was telling us how they used to teach new mums to always breast feed for exactly 3 mins on each boob, then for 5 mins each boob, then finally for 8 mins each boob per feeding session and wondered why they had lots of mums complaining of really sore, chapped nipples! They treated it as a science and something that could be timed and regimented which is a world away from how breastfeeding is now viewed, as a baby led or baby responsive practice, that is a skill and art to be mastered by both the mum and the baby. 

Pads went in the crèche for the full hour and a half this time and was good as gold and even asleep for the last 20 minutes, so I had to carefully carry him out to the car so as not to wake him. (I didn't, but the bloody gale that started blowing half way across the car park did.) 

We are both learning that we can be apart for small bursts and hopefully he will begin to understand that I will alway, always, come back for him! (Anyone else find that they don't know what to do with their hands initially when you are away from your baby?!)

(Thanks to all you lovely folk who admitted that sometimes you get bored parenting too after last week's blog post - we are all in this together.  Your texts and messages were much appreciated and we are all about accentuating the positive this week!).

Week 16 - teething, toys and training

Week 16 

This has been a week of teething troubles, missing sleep and mixed emotions. You forget what a rollercoaster it is being a parent and having such a massive responsibility 24/7, and you forget that you have had to change so much as a person and that your life has basically been turned inside and out and had the pockets shaken out. It's ok to still feel a bit overwhelmed/clueless/lost/not in control now and then. And it's ok to talk about it. In fact we should. This gig ain't easy. 

So here's what week 16 brought to the table.

1. Teething terrors. 

Pads is definitely teething, poor guy, which would explain the interrupted sleeping at night and waking up crying in pain. It's horrid to see them go through it as they don't even know what it is. I keep telling him that he will appreciate it further down the line when he can chomp into a nice juicy steak or bite into an apple. 

We have had the worst sleep since he was only a week or two old, as he keeps waking every 1 and a half to 2 hours through the night and either needs comfort in the form of head stroking and a lullaby or a feed. I have pretty much written sleep off again - it is amazing how 20, 30 or 40 minutes can just pass in a blur in the wee small hours and you wonder what you have actually been thinking or doing all that time (well usually thinking 'please sleep little man', 'what colour should we paint the kitchen walls?' and 'I wonder if I'll get any more sleep this eve?', whilst breastfeeding or trying to settle him back to sleep.) We discovered Calpol teething gel (other brands are of course available!) and it's been brilliant at soothing him pretty much straight away at least for a few minutes. You can feel the teeth bumps under his gums when you rub the gel in and he's got used to the strange taste of it now. My friend Gemma has recommended Ashton and Parsons sachets to us so that's next on the list to try. I wish there was more I could do for him as it's so heartbreaking to see him upset but lots more cuddles and kisses are definitely helping (both of us!) I'd say, and of course Sophie le giraffe has been a real comfort to him, he especially likes to chew her legs and ears.  He has started grabbing my fingers to chow down on too and he has quite a strong chomp, but whatever helps you little man. This only lasts a really short time right?!!!!! 

2. Sleep return tactics. 

It definitely feels like proper sleep is a thing of the past now. Whether it's regression, teething, a growth spurt of the bloody moon I don't know, but I am definitely finding it much harder to get him off to sleep at night than ever before and feel like I've lost what little knack I may have had. It can take a couple of hours from going to bed to get him to go off now which is not ideal for any of us. And that's just getting him to sleep in the first place.

When he wakes, frequently, throughout the night I am now trying not to feed him back to sleep each time (back in those dreamy days where he only woke once or twice a night, a feed would be all he needed to go back to blissful sleep) as a) he does not need up to 5 feeds over a night, when I know he can and has slept for over 8 hours straight before without needing a feed, and don't want him to get into the habit of only going back to sleep with a boob. And b) I want to teach him to get back to sleep on his own, (yeah, I know, good luck with that one!) so I have been trying a mixture of our own sleep solutions with varying degrees of success! I am trying not to get him out of the cot if I can help it as it's harder to settle him and put him back down once he is in my arms or in our bed. Here's what we have been trying: 

• Waiting - sometimes it's just a mid sleep cry or wake and he will go straight back again so I never rush in. I will wait up to about a minute then if he hasn't gone off again, I know he is actually awake and needs me.
• When he wakes sometimes he just has a good chatter to himself or his toys and a thrash about of the legs and a good look around so I'll let him 'play' for a bit then go over after a while to let him know I am there and stroke his head. Sometimes that has been enough for him to start sucking his thumb - good boy! - and settle himself back to sleep. 
• Other times, if he is really crying I have to give him some teething gel and sit with him, perhaps having a cuddle or with my hand on his head and tummy and tell him that I am here and everything is ok. 
• If the crying is soft and not too bad, I'll go over to the cot where he can see me, stroke his head gently and quietly sing the lullaby that I made up in his first few weeks, for 10mins or so then leave him carefully if he drifts back to sleep. He will then often wake again in a minute or so, so I go back in and repeat the same head stroking and gentle singing up to three times. If neither of those techniques work then I will bring him out of the cot for a feed in bed, however he has now started needing more winding and being sick after night feeds which he hasn't really done before so feeding to sleep isn't really working either!
• For the past 2 nights, just for my own sanity, I have been bringing him in to co-sleep with us, laying him in the middle of the bed, keeping everything quiet and calm, and pretending to be asleep myself with my eyes almost shut to try and stop any eye contact that will encourage him to want to stay awake, but making my breathing a bit louder and slower than normal so he can clearly hear its rhythm, and after around 10-15 minutes of lying there trying to fight sleep, he did drop off for an hour or so.  This sleeping malarky is hard work isn't it!

Man I miss a nice block of uninterrupted sleep.

It's amazing how the hours can just tick by though in a cycle of sleeping, trying to get back to sleeping, feeding, winding, settling and sleeping again. 

3. New toys. 

I know it's Christmas soon so I shouldn't be buying pressies before then, but somehow I don't think Pads will care or notice, since he doesn't even know what Xmas is. First up, I bought him the squish toy. As recommended by a new mum friend, I treated Pads to a colourful wooden toy called a Squish. It's basically wooden bars with round wooden beads on them tied together in a geometric shape with tough flexible string so you can, well, as the name suggests, squish it. He seems to like it and it's really helping his grab and hold skills. However, as it is quite chunky and hard, and Pads is ever vigorous and energetic with anything he plays with, he keeps bopping himself on the head with it or getting one of the round ends in his eye, then crying, and this is with me right next to him so even though it says from birth, I think this is a closely supervised play only toy, especially if you have a rough play boy like mine! 

Next up, I treated him to a pair of light up flashing maracas (yup, such a thing does exist), that are not for him to play with - definitely not baby or even kid safe! - but for me to wave and shake in front of him. I stole the idea from our baby sensory class. I'm enjoying accompanying some of our fav songs on these maracas. They cost peanuts but he absolutely loves watching the lights flash and change colour and is fascinated by the sound and sight of them. It makes me feel like Bez from the Happy Monday's too so fun for both of us!

And lastly, I got thrifty and bought him a Jumperoo off eBay for just £15 - anyone who has ever bought a full price one of these plastic monstrosities (and they really are hideously ugly, big things) knows that they are expensive from new and I don't think they justify the cost, but 2nd hand, as new in its original box?, yes please.  The manual was missing when it arrived so I felt like I was on the Crystal Maze in trying to guess how it fitted together, but after a little trial and error, I nailed it and popped Padster in. Now, he has a strong neck in tummy time and sits up nice and strong on my lap but the seat is pretty large in this thing so he was a bit lost in it bless him, flopping around and falling forward, which wasn't ideal as the seat isn't padded. His feet also don't quite touch the floor yet in its lowest position, despite him being pretty tall, so perhaps he just isn't heavy enough for it? Anyway, with me supporting him and his comforter sheep Woolly acting as a padded safety cushion for his head we managed to have fun with me bouncing him so his toes could touch the ground and he seemed to like it, or at least be very intrigued by it! 

He was very interested in the rotating seat, musical keyboard section and the bright colours, and as for the bouncing, he kept looking at me all excited when I gave him a good push up and down. I think it will be a success when he is a bit older and chunkier as there's definitely lots to keep him amused, but for now he needs his mum to keep him from flopping forward in the seat! (Why do they have to make them so bloody big, cumbersome, gaudy and ugly though?! I swore I'd never buy one for those reasons but, then I figured, it's not for me is it? And I'm sure I'll be grateful of somewhere safe and contained to put Pads when he won't just lay on his baby gym or mat anymore without crawling/rolling about!)

4. The B word. 

I don't know if mums are allowed to say this but this week, for the first time, I actually felt a bit, well, bored. I had 2 back to back days on my own as Jon was away and we'd had a busy few days out and about being very sociable and active on very little sleep up to this point and the weather was rainy and horrid, so I decided to stay in and rest both days. And it wasn't all day or anything, but at around4.45pm on the first day, I had run out of ideas of what to do, so slipped to our bath and bed routine early (also cos I was knackered and hoped this would get us more sleep! Fool!), it didn't and the early bath didn't go down well as I think he was hungry so he cried in the bath for the first time since the early days, which made me feel like a very bad mum making bad mum choices because I was bored. 

The next day Jon came back in the evening so I had that to focus on. I did get out for a walk and filled the day with play and all the usual stuff but yes, it happened, I felt bored. Then guilty for feeling bored, then worried that actually it was because I have now become boring and don't really know what to do (nor have the time most days either), other than care for my baby. Hoping this is more of a one off feeling rather than a recurring one, as I was always told that only boring people get bored, but perhaps that person had forgotten what it's like to be in all day hiding from horrid weather with just a baby for company! 

While we are on the subject of how a new mum can feel once the dust has settled a bit and you're into the groove of being a parent, I think I may have lost a bit of myself lately, it's probably down the back of the sofa or in the car somewhere and I'm sure I'll get it back, but yeah, I don't feel like my full self at the moment. And if I am being honest as to why, then I think it's because I spend all day, every day with a wonderful tiny human who I love with my whole heart and self, but sometimes I just crave some of the inane, yet gorgeously simple selfish things I used to do like taking a long bubble bath, reading a magazine cover to cover on the loo, or watching an entire film uninterrupted and then maybe, going for another one straight after. (And of course going to bed when I want to and sleeping uninterrupted for as long as I want to, and having a long, lovely lie in with breakfast in bed, enjoying a long, lazy 3 course dinner and using both hands throughout!... sorry, slipped into a fantasy world there! And I know I will do these things again. One day.)

I am also missing my old pals in London a lot as I had to miss a baby shower and a couple of birthday supper clubs due to the logistics and expense of getting to and from London, oh yeah, and having a baby to look after and not enough expressed milk to be away from him for any length of time (or desire to be either still if I am being totally honest - I would definitely have separation anxiety if I wasn't with my Pads for longer than a few hours). I am not a whinger, and not one to get down about anything for long (nor is this a pity party - I hate those!), but I think it's ok to say that at times being a parent can be a bit boring and it can feel like it's taken a bit of who you were away. The rewards far outweigh any of this of course, and I love being Paddington's mum so much, but I also like being me and I think I may have forgotten that in the craziness of the past few months. 

5. Flower power. 

So this week I went back to a true love of mine, floristry and what a comeback it was. I just casually made 2 posies for the Queen. Yup, her majesty, ma'am, good old Liz. No biggie....My 2 posies were presented to the Queen on Nov 5th at her visit to the medal room at Imjin Barracks in Gloucester and it is definitely one of my proudest moments florally and in general. Check out the end pic in this article to see my flowers in action (and the Queen wore bright pink which could not have do-ordinated better with my colour scheme. Me and the Queen are totally in sync clearly)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-34733600

It felt so good to get back into the saddle and do something I did and loved doing pre Pads. I was a bit uncertain as to how it would work having Pads to amuse and look after all day as well, as prepping and designing flowers takes a lot of time and focus, but it was as if my little bear understood this and he was as good as gold. 

I popped him in his bouncer chair, which he has now accepted as a fun place to be after 3.5 months of crying every time I tried to put him in it. I added more toys to the bar in front of him, propped up the black and white picture collage I made for him alongside it and put his crinkly book by his feet to kick at, as well as made sure he had his teething ring, and he was happy as Larry (whoever he is) for a couple of hours. I kept showing him the different flowers and letting him have a good look and a smell and he was fascinated by the colours and by watching me work. He spent most of the time watching me and when I showed him a large pink rose up close he got really excited, kicking his legs and arms about. I let him touch and sniff the rosemary which he found really interesting too. Got to get him into flowers and foliage at an early age! 

Once I had made both posies and a couple of hours had passed, we stopped for a good feed and some mummy and Pads time, then I was back to it, to ribbon up the flowers. He was a bit bored I think by this point so got a bit cranky, but all in all, he was so good and let me do what I needed to do and it was lovely to involve him in what I was doing and tell him all about the flowers I had chosen and what I was doing. It made me realise it is possible to still be who you are and do what you love as well as being a mum. As I said earlier, I think I had perhaps lost sight of that a bit. 

6. Growing up. 

It was finally time to remove the infant insert from our ergo baby carrier as Pads is now over the recommended weight for it and definitely too tall for the pillow support so he is now just in the big boy's carrier. Crazy to think how little he was when we first put him in the insert and bundled him up like a little frog and now he is all limbs and learning! *sigh. His bag of outgrown clothes and other bits is getting fuller by the day. It's normal to feel a bit emotional about this right?!

7. Breastfeeding support training. 

I have said many times that breastfeeding is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing I have ever done. I am stoked that we have made it this far and not given up yet, and I know that we are really still at the beginning of our breastfeeding journey and have a long way (and a lot more hurdles) to go yet, but I am so extremely grateful that when I reached out and needed support, it was there. 

From my husband and mum telling me I was doing great and could totally do this, to the hospital midwife who placed Pads straight onto my boob for a biological feed seconds after he was born, to the surgery midwife checking my latch and giving me advice on positioning in those first 10 days, to my mum friends Gemma and Laura keeping my chin up with texts of support and solidarity at all times of the day and night when things were tough and the feeding was off, to my NCT buddies who kept me sane sharing their experiences on the breastfeeding and bottle feeding journey, to you guys leaving comments of support and encouragement on FB or sending me lovely texts, to a local breastfeeding group who offered friendly faces and a space to talk, to the National Breastfeeding Helpline who listened and advised when we had lost our way, and to the lactation legend that is Carol Walton who gave us the confidence and knowledge to feed biologically which has transformed our feeding and Pads' weight gain.  All of these people kept us going and helped in their own way, so thank you to all of you. 

The opportunity came up to do a free course run by Flying start, to become a breastfeeding peer support volunteer so I decided I wanted to give something back and help another mum on her feeding journey, so I signed up and we had our first session this week. It was an inspiring room of mums from first timers like me, to mums of 2 or 3 kids of all ages, all of whom were passionate about breastfeeding and helping others to breastfeed. It's not a militant mammary group or a 'breastapo' or anything like that, we all understand that breast feeding isn't for everyone and that some mums just can't or don't want to do it and that is totally fine. Whatever is best for the baby and the mum is what is best overall. But for those new mums who really want to breastfeed but are struggling or in pain or just don't have the support around them, whether that be from family or the medical profession, then hopefully, they can turn to someone like us and ask for help, and this course will hopefully teach me how to guide them and support them to keep breastfeeding. Wales has a pretty poor record of breastfeeding with only around 50% trying it out in the first instance, and then around half of that stopping, for various reasons, after the first week. 

I am a big advocate of breast is best. For me, and for Pads. As I said above, I totally get that it isn't for everyone, but it was and is important to us and I did not want to give up. I was determined from the start to make it work and we have done so far, touch wood, with help.

I love how clever breast milk is, that it is 'magic' stuff - packed with antibodies, immune boosting, containing all the essential nutrients and calories babies need for the first 6 months of their lives and it can heal cuts and scratches on babies skin etc...(one lady said it had cleared up her baby's conjunctivitis overnight too)

I love that it is so conveniently packaged and portable!, free, and you can be certain it is always at the right temperature, in date!, and safe to consume. 

I particularly love how it helps mothers and babies bond, not saying that you can't still get that bond with a bottle because you absolutely can, but personally, I love that I can nurture, nourish and comfort my baby with my body. And I feel very lucky to be able to do so and intend to continue for as long as he wants to and I feel comfortable to do so.

In the group, we discussed how our culture has sexualised the boob and in so doing, has made breastfeeding less socially prevalent and acceptable as a whole. It isn't seen in public all that much and so it isn't 'the norm' and does still have a stigma attached to it. Some mums get put off as they don't want to be watched in public (and people really do stare) and don't want to have to get their naked breast out, when 9 times out of 10, the baby or clothing covers it up so you can't see anything anyway - and even if it was exposed, it's a breast and they are first and foremost designed to feed a baby, so it's the most natural thing in the world and shouldn't feel shameful or embarrassing. 

In some other cultures, the breast is regarded as just that, a body part that feeds babies and there is no shame or embarrassment in them being on show because of that context. We need to change society's perception of the boob - its a feeding source primarily and women should feel free and comfortable to breast feed anywhere and at anytime.

Anyway, I want to learn more about the wonder that is breastfeeding and how, even though it is such a natural thing, it is also such an incredibly hard skill for both mother and baby to master and doesn't happen easily, so to be better equipped with knowledge and practical tips to use myself and to advise others is my goal. Then, if I can use my experience and learning to help just one new mum, I will be happy. Am really looking forward to this course unfolding (plus we got a knitted boob in our starter pack, which is awesome!)

8. Pads first crèche. 

While I was at the breastfeeding group above, there was a free crèche offered in the room next door. For the first half of the session, we, naturally, and rather fittingly, breastfed, so Pads was with me (or rather on me!), but for the last half hour I thought I would try him in the crèche as it was there, and as it was only in the next room I could hear him if he needed me and be with him in seconds, and I trusted the people running it as they also ran our previous baby acorns class. 

It's the first time I have left him with strangers so it felt like kind of a big deal. I laid him on the big playing mat, grabbed a familiar toy - the squish, funnily enough - made sure he was happy, then slowly got up to go, waving 'bye bye, see you soon'. His eyes never left mine as I walked backwards and out the door and I started to wonder if I should be leaving him at all. I hovered just out of sight on the other side of the door and peered in to see how he was doing, and he was fine. He was playing happily and quietly and smiling at the nursery assistant. Oh. Doesn't need me after all then! 

I returned within half an hour desperate to see him and caught him flirting heavily with the nursery assistant, giving away his gorgeous smiles and chuckles and looking very content and happy. Good boy. We both passed the first crèche test - me in actually letting him be, and seeing if he could do it without me (he totally can!) and him just accepting that this is where he was for now and that he was safe and happy as mummy wouldn't have left him there otherwise.

9. Return to skin to skin. 

After the breastfeeding session, it got me thinking that it has actually been a while since me and Pads did any skin to skin contact. A few weeks or maybe more than that probably, so we went back to it for a few feeds this week and it was lush. He fell asleep after his feed on my tummy and it just felt so natural and loving to lay there quietly together, as nature intended I suppose. Definitely need to do more of this as it so wonderfully bonding, and I am pretty sure that he's been giving me more beautiful eye contact and loving smiles since. 

Man, I love this kid so much. It's sort of crazy overwhelming how much isn't it?! Love you to the moon and back Pads.