Week 16
This has been a week of teething troubles, missing sleep and mixed emotions. You forget what a rollercoaster it is being a parent and having such a massive responsibility 24/7, and you forget that you have had to change so much as a person and that your life has basically been turned inside and out and had the pockets shaken out. It's ok to still feel a bit overwhelmed/clueless/lost/not in control now and then. And it's ok to talk about it. In fact we should. This gig ain't easy.
So here's what week 16 brought to the table.
1. Teething terrors.
Pads is definitely teething, poor guy, which would explain the interrupted sleeping at night and waking up crying in pain. It's horrid to see them go through it as they don't even know what it is. I keep telling him that he will appreciate it further down the line when he can chomp into a nice juicy steak or bite into an apple.
We have had the worst sleep since he was only a week or two old, as he keeps waking every 1 and a half to 2 hours through the night and either needs comfort in the form of head stroking and a lullaby or a feed. I have pretty much written sleep off again - it is amazing how 20, 30 or 40 minutes can just pass in a blur in the wee small hours and you wonder what you have actually been thinking or doing all that time (well usually thinking 'please sleep little man', 'what colour should we paint the kitchen walls?' and 'I wonder if I'll get any more sleep this eve?', whilst breastfeeding or trying to settle him back to sleep.) We discovered Calpol teething gel (other brands are of course available!) and it's been brilliant at soothing him pretty much straight away at least for a few minutes. You can feel the teeth bumps under his gums when you rub the gel in and he's got used to the strange taste of it now. My friend Gemma has recommended Ashton and Parsons sachets to us so that's next on the list to try. I wish there was more I could do for him as it's so heartbreaking to see him upset but lots more cuddles and kisses are definitely helping (both of us!) I'd say, and of course Sophie le giraffe has been a real comfort to him, he especially likes to chew her legs and ears. He has started grabbing my fingers to chow down on too and he has quite a strong chomp, but whatever helps you little man. This only lasts a really short time right?!!!!!
We have had the worst sleep since he was only a week or two old, as he keeps waking every 1 and a half to 2 hours through the night and either needs comfort in the form of head stroking and a lullaby or a feed. I have pretty much written sleep off again - it is amazing how 20, 30 or 40 minutes can just pass in a blur in the wee small hours and you wonder what you have actually been thinking or doing all that time (well usually thinking 'please sleep little man', 'what colour should we paint the kitchen walls?' and 'I wonder if I'll get any more sleep this eve?', whilst breastfeeding or trying to settle him back to sleep.) We discovered Calpol teething gel (other brands are of course available!) and it's been brilliant at soothing him pretty much straight away at least for a few minutes. You can feel the teeth bumps under his gums when you rub the gel in and he's got used to the strange taste of it now. My friend Gemma has recommended Ashton and Parsons sachets to us so that's next on the list to try. I wish there was more I could do for him as it's so heartbreaking to see him upset but lots more cuddles and kisses are definitely helping (both of us!) I'd say, and of course Sophie le giraffe has been a real comfort to him, he especially likes to chew her legs and ears. He has started grabbing my fingers to chow down on too and he has quite a strong chomp, but whatever helps you little man. This only lasts a really short time right?!!!!!
2. Sleep return tactics.
It definitely feels like proper sleep is a thing of the past now. Whether it's regression, teething, a growth spurt of the bloody moon I don't know, but I am definitely finding it much harder to get him off to sleep at night than ever before and feel like I've lost what little knack I may have had. It can take a couple of hours from going to bed to get him to go off now which is not ideal for any of us. And that's just getting him to sleep in the first place.
When he wakes, frequently, throughout the night I am now trying not to feed him back to sleep each time (back in those dreamy days where he only woke once or twice a night, a feed would be all he needed to go back to blissful sleep) as a) he does not need up to 5 feeds over a night, when I know he can and has slept for over 8 hours straight before without needing a feed, and don't want him to get into the habit of only going back to sleep with a boob. And b) I want to teach him to get back to sleep on his own, (yeah, I know, good luck with that one!) so I have been trying a mixture of our own sleep solutions with varying degrees of success! I am trying not to get him out of the cot if I can help it as it's harder to settle him and put him back down once he is in my arms or in our bed. Here's what we have been trying:
- Waiting - sometimes it's just a mid sleep cry or wake and he will go straight back again so I never rush in. I will wait up to about a minute then if he hasn't gone off again, I know he is actually awake and needs me.
- When he wakes sometimes he just has a good chatter to himself or his toys and a thrash about of the legs and a good look around so I'll let him 'play' for a bit then go over after a while to let him know I am there and stroke his head. Sometimes that has been enough for him to start sucking his thumb - good boy! - and settle himself back to sleep.
- Other times, if he is really crying I have to give him some teething gel and sit with him, perhaps having a cuddle or with my hand on his head and tummy and tell him that I am here and everything is ok.
- If the crying is soft and not too bad, I'll go over to the cot where he can see me, stroke his head gently and quietly sing the lullaby that I made up in his first few weeks, for 10mins or so then leave him carefully if he drifts back to sleep. He will then often wake again in a minute or so, so I go back in and repeat the same head stroking and gentle singing up to three times. If neither of those techniques work then I will bring him out of the cot for a feed in bed, however he has now started needing more winding and being sick after night feeds which he hasn't really done before so feeding to sleep isn't really working either!
- For the past 2 nights, just for my own sanity, I have been bringing him in to co-sleep with us, laying him in the middle of the bed, keeping everything quiet and calm, and pretending to be asleep myself with my eyes almost shut to try and stop any eye contact that will encourage him to want to stay awake, but making my breathing a bit louder and slower than normal so he can clearly hear its rhythm, and after around 10-15 minutes of lying there trying to fight sleep, he did drop off for an hour or so. This sleeping malarky is hard work isn't it!
Man I miss a nice block of uninterrupted sleep.
It's amazing how the hours can just tick by though in a cycle of sleeping, trying to get back to sleeping, feeding, winding, settling and sleeping again.
3. New toys.
I know it's Christmas soon so I shouldn't be buying pressies before then, but somehow I don't think Pads will care or notice, since he doesn't even know what Xmas is. First up, I bought him the squish toy. As recommended by a new mum friend, I treated Pads to a colourful wooden toy called a Squish. It's basically wooden bars with round wooden beads on them tied together in a geometric shape with tough flexible string so you can, well, as the name suggests, squish it. He seems to like it and it's really helping his grab and hold skills. However, as it is quite chunky and hard, and Pads is ever vigorous and energetic with anything he plays with, he keeps bopping himself on the head with it or getting one of the round ends in his eye, then crying, and this is with me right next to him so even though it says from birth, I think this is a closely supervised play only toy, especially if you have a rough play boy like mine!
Next up, I treated him to a pair of light up flashing maracas (yup, such a thing does exist), that are not for him to play with - definitely not baby or even kid safe! - but for me to wave and shake in front of him. I stole the idea from our baby sensory class. I'm enjoying accompanying some of our fav songs on these maracas. They cost peanuts but he absolutely loves watching the lights flash and change colour and is fascinated by the sound and sight of them. It makes me feel like Bez from the Happy Monday's too so fun for both of us!
And lastly, I got thrifty and bought him a Jumperoo off eBay for just £15 - anyone who has ever bought a full price one of these plastic monstrosities (and they really are hideously ugly, big things) knows that they are expensive from new and I don't think they justify the cost, but 2nd hand, as new in its original box?, yes please. The manual was missing when it arrived so I felt like I was on the Crystal Maze in trying to guess how it fitted together, but after a little trial and error, I nailed it and popped Padster in. Now, he has a strong neck in tummy time and sits up nice and strong on my lap but the seat is pretty large in this thing so he was a bit lost in it bless him, flopping around and falling forward, which wasn't ideal as the seat isn't padded. His feet also don't quite touch the floor yet in its lowest position, despite him being pretty tall, so perhaps he just isn't heavy enough for it? Anyway, with me supporting him and his comforter sheep Woolly acting as a padded safety cushion for his head we managed to have fun with me bouncing him so his toes could touch the ground and he seemed to like it, or at least be very intrigued by it!
4. The B word.
I don't know if mums are allowed to say this but this week, for the first time, I actually felt a bit, well, bored. I had 2 back to back days on my own as Jon was away and we'd had a busy few days out and about being very sociable and active on very little sleep up to this point and the weather was rainy and horrid, so I decided to stay in and rest both days. And it wasn't all day or anything, but at around4.45pm on the first day, I had run out of ideas of what to do, so slipped to our bath and bed routine early (also cos I was knackered and hoped this would get us more sleep! Fool!), it didn't and the early bath didn't go down well as I think he was hungry so he cried in the bath for the first time since the early days, which made me feel like a very bad mum making bad mum choices because I was bored.
The next day Jon came back in the evening so I had that to focus on. I did get out for a walk and filled the day with play and all the usual stuff but yes, it happened, I felt bored. Then guilty for feeling bored, then worried that actually it was because I have now become boring and don't really know what to do (nor have the time most days either), other than care for my baby. Hoping this is more of a one off feeling rather than a recurring one, as I was always told that only boring people get bored, but perhaps that person had forgotten what it's like to be in all day hiding from horrid weather with just a baby for company!
While we are on the subject of how a new mum can feel once the dust has settled a bit and you're into the groove of being a parent, I think I may have lost a bit of myself lately, it's probably down the back of the sofa or in the car somewhere and I'm sure I'll get it back, but yeah, I don't feel like my full self at the moment. And if I am being honest as to why, then I think it's because I spend all day, every day with a wonderful tiny human who I love with my whole heart and self, but sometimes I just crave some of the inane, yet gorgeously simple selfish things I used to do like taking a long bubble bath, reading a magazine cover to cover on the loo, or watching an entire film uninterrupted and then maybe, going for another one straight after. (And of course going to bed when I want to and sleeping uninterrupted for as long as I want to, and having a long, lovely lie in with breakfast in bed, enjoying a long, lazy 3 course dinner and using both hands throughout!... sorry, slipped into a fantasy world there! And I know I will do these things again. One day.)
I am also missing my old pals in London a lot as I had to miss a baby shower and a couple of birthday supper clubs due to the logistics and expense of getting to and from London, oh yeah, and having a baby to look after and not enough expressed milk to be away from him for any length of time (or desire to be either still if I am being totally honest - I would definitely have separation anxiety if I wasn't with my Pads for longer than a few hours). I am not a whinger, and not one to get down about anything for long (nor is this a pity party - I hate those!), but I think it's ok to say that at times being a parent can be a bit boring and it can feel like it's taken a bit of who you were away. The rewards far outweigh any of this of course, and I love being Paddington's mum so much, but I also like being me and I think I may have forgotten that in the craziness of the past few months.
5. Flower power.
So this week I went back to a true love of mine, floristry and what a comeback it was. I just casually made 2 posies for the Queen. Yup, her majesty, ma'am, good old Liz. No biggie....My 2 posies were presented to the Queen on Nov 5th at her visit to the medal room at Imjin Barracks in Gloucester and it is definitely one of my proudest moments florally and in general. Check out the end pic in this article to see my flowers in action (and the Queen wore bright pink which could not have do-ordinated better with my colour scheme. Me and the Queen are totally in sync clearly)
It felt so good to get back into the saddle and do something I did and loved doing pre Pads. I was a bit uncertain as to how it would work having Pads to amuse and look after all day as well, as prepping and designing flowers takes a lot of time and focus, but it was as if my little bear understood this and he was as good as gold.
I popped him in his bouncer chair, which he has now accepted as a fun place to be after 3.5 months of crying every time I tried to put him in it. I added more toys to the bar in front of him, propped up the black and white picture collage I made for him alongside it and put his crinkly book by his feet to kick at, as well as made sure he had his teething ring, and he was happy as Larry (whoever he is) for a couple of hours. I kept showing him the different flowers and letting him have a good look and a smell and he was fascinated by the colours and by watching me work. He spent most of the time watching me and when I showed him a large pink rose up close he got really excited, kicking his legs and arms about. I let him touch and sniff the rosemary which he found really interesting too. Got to get him into flowers and foliage at an early age!
Once I had made both posies and a couple of hours had passed, we stopped for a good feed and some mummy and Pads time, then I was back to it, to ribbon up the flowers. He was a bit bored I think by this point so got a bit cranky, but all in all, he was so good and let me do what I needed to do and it was lovely to involve him in what I was doing and tell him all about the flowers I had chosen and what I was doing. It made me realise it is possible to still be who you are and do what you love as well as being a mum. As I said earlier, I think I had perhaps lost sight of that a bit.
6. Growing up.
It was finally time to remove the infant insert from our ergo baby carrier as Pads is now over the recommended weight for it and definitely too tall for the pillow support so he is now just in the big boy's carrier. Crazy to think how little he was when we first put him in the insert and bundled him up like a little frog and now he is all limbs and learning! *sigh. His bag of outgrown clothes and other bits is getting fuller by the day. It's normal to feel a bit emotional about this right?!
7. Breastfeeding support training.
I have said many times that breastfeeding is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing I have ever done. I am stoked that we have made it this far and not given up yet, and I know that we are really still at the beginning of our breastfeeding journey and have a long way (and a lot more hurdles) to go yet, but I am so extremely grateful that when I reached out and needed support, it was there.
From my husband and mum telling me I was doing great and could totally do this, to the hospital midwife who placed Pads straight onto my boob for a biological feed seconds after he was born, to the surgery midwife checking my latch and giving me advice on positioning in those first 10 days, to my mum friends Gemma and Laura keeping my chin up with texts of support and solidarity at all times of the day and night when things were tough and the feeding was off, to my NCT buddies who kept me sane sharing their experiences on the breastfeeding and bottle feeding journey, to you guys leaving comments of support and encouragement on FB or sending me lovely texts, to a local breastfeeding group who offered friendly faces and a space to talk, to the National Breastfeeding Helpline who listened and advised when we had lost our way, and to the lactation legend that is Carol Walton who gave us the confidence and knowledge to feed biologically which has transformed our feeding and Pads' weight gain. All of these people kept us going and helped in their own way, so thank you to all of you.
The opportunity came up to do a free course run by Flying start, to become a breastfeeding peer support volunteer so I decided I wanted to give something back and help another mum on her feeding journey, so I signed up and we had our first session this week. It was an inspiring room of mums from first timers like me, to mums of 2 or 3 kids of all ages, all of whom were passionate about breastfeeding and helping others to breastfeed. It's not a militant mammary group or a 'breastapo' or anything like that, we all understand that breast feeding isn't for everyone and that some mums just can't or don't want to do it and that is totally fine. Whatever is best for the baby and the mum is what is best overall. But for those new mums who really want to breastfeed but are struggling or in pain or just don't have the support around them, whether that be from family or the medical profession, then hopefully, they can turn to someone like us and ask for help, and this course will hopefully teach me how to guide them and support them to keep breastfeeding. Wales has a pretty poor record of breastfeeding with only around 50% trying it out in the first instance, and then around half of that stopping, for various reasons, after the first week.
I am a big advocate of breast is best. For me, and for Pads. As I said above, I totally get that it isn't for everyone, but it was and is important to us and I did not want to give up. I was determined from the start to make it work and we have done so far, touch wood, with help.
I love how clever breast milk is, that it is 'magic' stuff - packed with antibodies, immune boosting, containing all the essential nutrients and calories babies need for the first 6 months of their lives and it can heal cuts and scratches on babies skin etc...(one lady said it had cleared up her baby's conjunctivitis overnight too)
I love that it is so conveniently packaged and portable!, free, and you can be certain it is always at the right temperature, in date!, and safe to consume.
I particularly love how it helps mothers and babies bond, not saying that you can't still get that bond with a bottle because you absolutely can, but personally, I love that I can nurture, nourish and comfort my baby with my body. And I feel very lucky to be able to do so and intend to continue for as long as he wants to and I feel comfortable to do so.
In the group, we discussed how our culture has sexualised the boob and in so doing, has made breastfeeding less socially prevalent and acceptable as a whole. It isn't seen in public all that much and so it isn't 'the norm' and does still have a stigma attached to it. Some mums get put off as they don't want to be watched in public (and people really do stare) and don't want to have to get their naked breast out, when 9 times out of 10, the baby or clothing covers it up so you can't see anything anyway - and even if it was exposed, it's a breast and they are first and foremost designed to feed a baby, so it's the most natural thing in the world and shouldn't feel shameful or embarrassing.
In some other cultures, the breast is regarded as just that, a body part that feeds babies and there is no shame or embarrassment in them being on show because of that context. We need to change society's perception of the boob - its a feeding source primarily and women should feel free and comfortable to breast feed anywhere and at anytime.
Anyway, I want to learn more about the wonder that is breastfeeding and how, even though it is such a natural thing, it is also such an incredibly hard skill for both mother and baby to master and doesn't happen easily, so to be better equipped with knowledge and practical tips to use myself and to advise others is my goal. Then, if I can use my experience and learning to help just one new mum, I will be happy. Am really looking forward to this course unfolding (plus we got a knitted boob in our starter pack, which is awesome!)
8. Pads first crèche.
While I was at the breastfeeding group above, there was a free crèche offered in the room next door. For the first half of the session, we, naturally, and rather fittingly, breastfed, so Pads was with me (or rather on me!), but for the last half hour I thought I would try him in the crèche as it was there, and as it was only in the next room I could hear him if he needed me and be with him in seconds, and I trusted the people running it as they also ran our previous baby acorns class.
It's the first time I have left him with strangers so it felt like kind of a big deal. I laid him on the big playing mat, grabbed a familiar toy - the squish, funnily enough - made sure he was happy, then slowly got up to go, waving 'bye bye, see you soon'. His eyes never left mine as I walked backwards and out the door and I started to wonder if I should be leaving him at all. I hovered just out of sight on the other side of the door and peered in to see how he was doing, and he was fine. He was playing happily and quietly and smiling at the nursery assistant. Oh. Doesn't need me after all then!
I returned within half an hour desperate to see him and caught him flirting heavily with the nursery assistant, giving away his gorgeous smiles and chuckles and looking very content and happy. Good boy. We both passed the first crèche test - me in actually letting him be, and seeing if he could do it without me (he totally can!) and him just accepting that this is where he was for now and that he was safe and happy as mummy wouldn't have left him there otherwise.
I returned within half an hour desperate to see him and caught him flirting heavily with the nursery assistant, giving away his gorgeous smiles and chuckles and looking very content and happy. Good boy. We both passed the first crèche test - me in actually letting him be, and seeing if he could do it without me (he totally can!) and him just accepting that this is where he was for now and that he was safe and happy as mummy wouldn't have left him there otherwise.
9. Return to skin to skin.
After the breastfeeding session, it got me thinking that it has actually been a while since me and Pads did any skin to skin contact. A few weeks or maybe more than that probably, so we went back to it for a few feeds this week and it was lush. He fell asleep after his feed on my tummy and it just felt so natural and loving to lay there quietly together, as nature intended I suppose. Definitely need to do more of this as it so wonderfully bonding, and I am pretty sure that he's been giving me more beautiful eye contact and loving smiles since.
Man, I love this kid so much. It's sort of crazy overwhelming how much isn't it?! Love you to the moon and back Pads.
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