Week 11 - 'boob' is in the heart

Week 11 - 'boob' is in the heart

This week has been all about boobs. Norks, bazookas, breasts, orbs, udders, milky pillows (or more like rocks in my case), you catch my drift.  We have been seriously working on our feeding technique and attachment in a bid to get little mister's weight up and make sure he is getting maximum benefit from my milk. We have had varying degrees of success and we are keeping at it.

We are by no means out of the woods yet but we are getting somewhere and most importantly, his weight has gone up and his health visitor is happy that he isn't dropping further off his percentile curve so that is a massive relief.  Breastfeeding really is the hardest thing I have ever done and we will not be beaten by it, not yet. There is so much help and support out there and we have had some fantastic advice and met some very lovely supportive people this week who are helping us through this bump in the road. Never feel like you are doing this all on your own as there are lots of people who can give you help, willingly and happily, so never be too afraid or too proud to ask for help, whatever the issue.  It just shows that you are a good mum and are doing the best for your baby as you want to improve upon what you are doing and check that everything is ok.

Here's how the 'breast' of this week went. (Sorry, and I cannot promise that this will be the last of the boob puns. In fact, I can promise that it won't be.)


1. On baby time. We missed participating in our Daisy Foundation Tinies class this week as we firstly got stuck behind a tractor in the windy country lanes en route, and there was no way of passing, a hazard of rural living unfortunately.  Pads decided to make the journey even more pleasant by crying almost the whole way, making me pull over twice to check everything was OK - of course it was, he just wanted to see if he could get his mummy to pull over and check on him it seems. (Paddington 1 - me 0). He fell asleep 5 minutes before we arrived at class then. Of course. (Paddington 2 - me 0). So we were already 20 minutes late and now he was having his morning nap. So I just sang along with the other mums and observed as one by one the other babies started either falling asleep or wanting a feed around us until there was just 1 baby left awake and actually joining in the class. 15 minutes later my guy awoke and wanted a feed. Of course. (Paddington 3 - me 0). So another 20 minutes and a good burping/nappy changing later, we were ready to join in at last!  So we got up and started dancing and singing with the other mums whose babies had also now decided they were ready to start the class, and after 3 minutes, that was it. Time was up and the class was over. Of course! Just goes to show with the best will in the world, you cannot plan things with a baby and you are on their time now! Am going to try and fox Paddington next week by going half an hour early so if he needs to sleep/feed/grizzle etc he will hopefully do it before class. Hmmm....watch this space!

2. Breastfeeding - back to basics, biologically speaking. We went along to a breastfeeding clinic with lactation guru Carol Walton all of Monday afternoon. Carol is a legend and I wish I had seen her at the beginning of this parenting journey.  What she doesn't know about breastfeeding, boobs and babies, is not worth knowing. I had heard about this almost mythical sounding creature from my pal Laura who has used her guidance with both her little boys (thank you for putting me in touch with her Laura!), so I was expecting her to be amazing and she really was. There was something about her well spoken matronly demeanour that just made me trust her and she was clear, concise and supportive but not in a brisk or patronising way, in an almost grandmotherly way I suppose. A no nonsense grandmother.

I explained my concerns to Carol about Pads weight, his green poos and that he could often be fussy on the nip or fall asleep so I wasn't sure he was getting thirst quenching fore milk AND rich fatty boom boom hind milk. She agreed that it sounded like he wasn't and that it was likely down to my position when feeding and therefore his attachment. She observed me giving a biological feed and then got to work in giving us her commandments to make it more efficient. Essentially, her mantra is 'Tighter in and lower down is the answer to everything'.  I needed to have a straight tall back, sitting on a good chair that has a firm support but not too high backed - like a plastic garden chair apparently with room to lean back onto cushions once he is latched on right - lay him close to my chest tummy down and not worry about straddling his legs as he is so tall this would make his head too high on my nipple which is exactly what I had been doing. It's then up to Pads to find the nipple (she points out that it's him that is doing the breastfeeding, not me. I am just the milk machine!), I just have to help by making sure his nose is level with the nipple and then he should latch on from a lower than you think position and I need to resist leaning in to help him, which is something I am still working on several days later. It's instinct so hard to break the habit! When I lean in, I am taking the instinct from him and making him too high up and bunched up so not a great position for good feeding.

'Sit up like a page 3 model - boobs up and out' she kept saying, and don't slouch my middle. Both hands need to hold him under his armpits, around his middle, again, lower down that I had been. I had been holding him around his shoulders and neck and pulling him up when he felt like he was slipping but this means he can't get his head far enough back for the latch nor come off freely if he needs to to cough or choke or just when he's had enough. In the new revised position, he does feel really low and tight in, his head is back so we can have lots of lovely eye contact and I can see his round cheeks & hear deep sucks and swallows after about a minute - if sucks aren't deep then I need to take him off & start again. At the end of a feed my nip should be round like a cherry on a bakewell slice, and if he falls asleep during, undo some of his clothing to wake him up. After 48 hrs of feeding like this we should have canary yellow poo again apparently which is what you want. She said to always offer both boobs, it's like dinner and a pudding, just burp and change nappy in-between. Wow. That is a lot to remember right? We sort of got it during our consultation and got given a checklist to go through at home.

Carol was very reassuring and sympathetic to my new mum concerns about his weight and those dam charts and she reckoned he looks healthy & happy so not to worry about that just to work on the position for maximum efficiency and to stop those green poos! Onwards and upwards! We had a good feed under Carole's tutelage then he winded well, I tried to give him the 2nd boob but he was hot and fussy, so Carole suggested he still needed winding. I did and an almighty burp came up. Ah. Then he promptly fell asleep for an hour! She also said we would probably have more green poo while we were mastering our revised position so not to get disheartened and that it would relate back to 1 or 2 feeds ago, so to try and remember what we may have done differently then and focus on the checklist for the next feeds.

Her other words of wisdom: 'Don't over analyse, be instinctive. It's an art and you can't spoil a baby.' She spoke of a trip she had taken a while ago to Peru - where Paddington bear is from funnily enough! -  that inspired her to go on her breastfeeding crusade. There, breastfeeding is the only way of feeding a baby really and it's so prevalent everywhere that everyone does it, sees it happening at a young age and believes they can and will do it when they are mums. She said it's harder over here as its not as accepted publicly, we just don't see it nearly as much as we should and so mums always say ' if I can' or ' I hope I can do this' when talking about breastfeeding and have no confidence as its not out there enough. So let's get these boobs out ladies and make it easier for the next generation!

She is an advocate of the biological breastfeeding position, but she also had some tips for cradle hold if I wanted to mix it up or when out and about sometimes it isn't possible to get the right sort of chair to enable effective biological positioning so cradle may be required. Carol's cradle tips: make sure his belly button is under the other boob, just off centre and he is in a straight line, tummy to mummy. Use the opposite hand to the breast you are on under the baby and the hand nearest the feeding boob underneath the breast, on ribs, supporting and keeping it lifted up. Cradle hold is trickier to master and there is more that can go wrong apparently. Let him touch the nip once or twice first with his nose then he should latch, he won't first off, and the latch should be really wide with more areola visible on top of the nipple than underneath. Again, a lot to look out for! Breastfeeding is no walk in the park that's for sure.

I felt armed with good information and Carol's number to call if we had any problems or further questions, so I left the clinic feeling positive again and much less worried about everything.

3. So how did we get on with breastfeeding at home after the clinic? Well, the first 2 feeds at home were good, I could really see and hear him drinking more with a nice wide latch and loads of gorgeous eye contact. He was a bit distracted by a light, which I turned off, and the wall and ceiling, which I couldn't do much about. He is much more distracted in this position than any other actually, but I think we did good. The next day our first feed didn't go as well, he was super fussy at the nip, coming off - almost slipping like he was too low ironically - every couple of minutes. It was frustrating and we started to lose a bit of confidence so we went along to the local breastfeeding support group for some help but unfortunately, they weren't really that familiar with this biological position so frustratingly they couldn't give me much practical help, though they were lovely and supportive.

I knew we were not quite in the right position and I had been over Carol's checklist again and again but it still didn't feel right and I didn't quite know why. We did 2 feeds at group and neither were good, he was super fussy and distracted (I really don't like the venue as a place for breastfeeding, it's a kid's soft play centre and is just so noisy and busy in terms of colours, and lights and patterns and kids running around, no wonder it's off putting for Pads as I am put off by it and found it hard enough to concentrate so for a baby it would be virtually impossible!).

He couldn't keep the wide latch at all, we did it first off then he would close his mouth so he was just sucking the nipple. I kept taking him off, giving him a burp in case it was that and trying again. Over and over again. He could only keep the wide latch for a matter of seconds sometimes and could only stay on the nip for a couple of minutes before slipping off and desperately trying to get back on. I tried lowering him and pulling him tighter and trying to sit like I thought a page 3 model would, but nothing was falling into place. He was still hungry definitely, not coming off because he was done, as he would start his desperate cries as soon as coming off and try and suck his thumb or fist, so not sated. It was hard not get a bit down about how it was, or rather wasn't, going.

He also did a poo just before I went into the meeting place and it was a green one again. Gutted. My lovely midwife Brydon, who supported us through the end of my pregnancy and first 2 weeks of Pads life, arrived after about an hour and tried to help but he was just super distracted by this point and now over tired by all the effort so he fell asleep. She did tell me not to worry about his weight too much and that green poo isn't always a bad thing and his fussy feeding and slower than average weight gain could well be down to us being v busy lately which can affect feeding, losing the focus a bit and bad attachment can easily happen when out and about as its not as easy to find a suitable place to sit and feed, also baby weight fluctuates, it just does and boys are notoriously harder to breastfeed than girls apparently as they forget quickly and are easily distracted . Yup, sounds like Pads. I left feeling that we had so much work to do and that I didn't know how to get it right.

At home our next feed went just as badly. I tried 3 different chairs: a dining chair - too high and upright, a rocking chair - ok but moves around a lot so hard to maintain a position, and a leather recliner armchair - too deep and soft, to try and get the position better but none of them felt comfy or seemed to be helping.

The next feed did go better however, I sat on the edge of the sofa with more firm cushions behind me than usual which felt a bit better. He latched well and stayed wide, clearly drinking and looking at me. He came off twice, fine, I just popped him back on and we were back in a rhythm. Then suddenly he started whimpering then came off properly crying. I tried burping but nothing came so I popped him back on and after a few sucks he cried again. Too fast a let down or not enough coming out?! No idea! So I removed him again, burped, nothing, then back on. This time, he sucked for a minute then his eyes started shutting and he fell asleep slipping off the nip! Was that why he cried, as he was just too tired to keep feeding? I have no bloody idea! It was a day of battling with knocked confidence, confusion and feeling like none of the feeds had given him what he needed, so the next day I gave Carol a call to get back on track. She boosted our confidence right back up again saying we were so nearly there and doing a fab job and reiterated the points to look out for as well as suggesting we try a few feeds in bed leaning back on some cushions, as if reading a book, to get the knack of the latch again and make it more relaxed, as we were probably trying too hard and making it stiff and uncomfortable for ourselves as a consequence. This was definitely true so once we chilled out a bit, the next few feeds started to go better. We have since mixed it up with some cradle hold feeds when out and about, especially at our baby groups were there are no chairs! But when at home or out with a decent chair available we are sticking to biological feeding as the main position, and it's still a work in progress, but we are both starting to understand it more and, I hope, starting to make it work for us. Breastfeeding is an ever evolving skill and one that needs constant attention and maintenance. 4 days after clinic we achieved nirvana - a nappy full of canary yellow poo. I was over the moon. At poo. Times really have changed. Long may this colour continue!

4. Judgement days. We got judged at the support group by the mother of a new mum - shame on you lady. When we arrived and I took Pads out of the car seat to say hi to everyone, he started sucking his thumb which he has really started to do daily now over this past week as a comfort, when he wakes up to go back to sleep or when he's hungry, and I heard her tut and say 'oh a thumb sucker, that's not good. She should be using a dummy as you can't take away a thumb'. She clearly thought she'd spoken under her breath and that I hadn't heard, but I had, and I was seething inside at her comments and made sure I sat as far away from her with my back to her as I could. How dare she judge me! And when I had just arrived not knowing anyone and on my own. And is a dummy really better than a thumb anyway?! I reckon there are pros and cons to both. I don't have to make sure his thumb is sterilised and it comforts him and personally I do not have a problem with it. Neither thumb sucking nor dummies affect kids teeth until they are 6 years old when their adult ones come in and I plan to wean him off it way before then, if he doesn't stop on his own which a lot of babies do. I have decided not to give a dummy unless it is absolutely necessary, that is just my choice and I do not judge anyone who does differently as every mum and baby is different.

My main beef here is what happened to mum to mum solidarity and support hey lady? He has only really started doing this frequently this week and I don't think it is too big a problem. His dad thumb sucked for 10years and him and his thumbs are just fine! I would never judge another mum for their choices and don't appreciate it from someone who really is old enough to know better.

2 days later I was in a cafe and just finished feeding him and he started to suck his thumb whilst I winded him and it happened again. A lady of a certain age walked past and said to my face this time, 'thumb sucking already, oh dear'. A word that rhymes with duck and the word 'off' sprang to mind. If you have an opinion against what a new mum ,or any mum actually, has chosen to do or not do, or against what a baby does instinctively, keep it to yourself please, unless asked for it. Next time we get a comment like this one, as I am sure there will be a next time, I am going to bite back.

5. The car-seat-cry-stopping-swing. As I left the breastfeeding clinic and popped Padster into his car seat, he started crying as he often does. Carol, in her infinite baby wisdom, showed me a little trick to stop babies crying when you first put them in their car seat. You simply pick up the seat and swing it gently from side to side in the air a few times. And it worked!!

6. Express train(ing). As well as working on our breastfeeding, we also got to grips with expressing. We have been stock-piling a little milk bank for a very important reason - we got tickets to the Wales vs Fiji game of the Rugby World Cup at the Millennium Stadium way back when Pads was just a twinkle in our eyes and we had set ourselves a goal (or should that be a try?!) of making the match our first outing without the little guy. After getting the electric pump I can happily say that I managed to put away enough milk so that we could go to the game with some to spare just in case. I froze most of the milk in various portion sizes and once defrosted, I had 5 bottles of 90mls which is what I had worked out and been advised was the amount Pads would probably take per feed based on his weight and frequency to feed, plus back ups in the freezer should he be extra hungry. This was ample milk as we ended up being away for 7.5 hours from 1pm-8.30pm and I fed him just before we left. He had 3 feeds in that time and fell asleep before his planned 4th feed. Grandma T took on baby sitting duties for the day which we are very grateful for as it was fab to just have Jon and me time for the first time since our little fella came along. However, we missed him like crazy (I started crying as I was missing him just 1 minute down the lane for goodness sake! Don't worry, I relaxed and got on with enjoying our break after I'd let that out of my system within 5 minutes) and at one point in the first half I found myself thinking about how he smelt and sounded and when we were driving home we could not get home quick enough as I was just desperate to see him by this point. He was of course asleep when we got in and didn't miss us one bit as I'd left him lots of yummy mummy milk. (I must confess that I thought about waking him up as I wanted a cuddle so bad and wanted to give him my boob to make sure he still wanted me after a day on the bottle, but I resisted the urge.)

The 4th bottle, I am sad to say, had to be thrown away which was gutting after the work I'd put in getting it out! Mum had taken it out of the fridge to get to room temp then it wasn't used as he was asleep so was out for over 6 hours which is the max apparently. Pouring it down the sink was heartbreaking, but better to be safe than sorry. Bottle number 5 we used in the morning with Jon giving Pads his breakfast as that had remained in the fridge. The key number to remember with expressed milk I learnt is 6. It lasts for 6 hours at room temperature, 6 days in the fridge (though is best up to 3 days), and up to 6 months in a freezer.

We have so far, touch wood, been very lucky with him taking the bottle, after a little persuasion for the first one, then he has always taken me back afterwards most importantly so thank you Paddington!  We have been using Tommee Tippee bottles that have a slow release flow apparently so he doesn't get too much milk at once and they have luckily worked out great so far.

Oh, and the game was fantastic, thanks for asking, as was the pint of cider and pie and cheesy chips I got to enjoy with both hands. It was my first trip to the Millennium stadium and my first time seeing Wales play as well as our first day outing without our son, so a huge day all round. (We found out just before leaving the house that you can now take babies to the rugby World Cup games if you go to the box office and get them a special ticket and carry them in a sling. We ummed and ahhed about whether to take him or not, but in the end we decided to stick to the plan to have a day out to ourselves, especially as I had worked so hard to express enough milk and get all the bottles ready - plus granny was looking forward to a day with her grandson.)

I think we made the right decision for all of us and he can come to the next World Cup when he'll get something out of it too! * A special mention is needed here for how cute babies look in rugby kit sleepy suits and baby grows, I cannot get enough of our Paddington in his Welsh kit!

7. Rugby balls for boobs. A consequence of not feeding my boy from my breast for 7.5 hours straight - the longest stint by a long way so far- was rock hard, mega sore and full to bursting baps. And I mean FULL. They felt like 2 over pumped rugby balls that desperately needed the air taking out of them. I tried to do a cheeky little hand express in the loos at the game at the start of the 2nd half but then I heard cheering and didn't want to miss out so abandoned my mission. By the time we got home I swear I had gone up a couple of cup sizes and was desperate for a release. With my boy fast asleep, I got out the pump pronto and produced my biggest hit yet, 150mls of milky goodness in one hit. That is the definition of sweet sweet relief.

8. A little sleep update. We are blessed, and I hope this doesn't jinx anything, but Pads has started to average between 5-6 hours sleep at night after his last bedtime feed, not always of course but often, which is what 'they' call sleeping through the night. This means I am getting at least a 4 hour block of continuous sleep most nights (though I do have to go to bed with him nice and early around 8-9pm usually, not to miss this gorgeous window of sleep) but it basically means I can function as a normal human being again, and if I manage to get a full 6 hours sleep in one stretch, which has happened a few times now, I feel like super woman. (I can't imagine how strong my super powers would be if I ever get more sleep than that again. I will be unstoppable.) Please keep this up little guy and we will up your pocket money when you are older!

He's also started napping better in the day and has accepted the moses basket (finally!) as an occasional daytime nap area and also started falling asleep in the buggy on walks after around 15-20minutes usually. He has fallen asleep a couple of times on the baby gym after some exuberant play and is generally better at getting himself off to sleep when he is really tired and getting back to sleep when he wakes up in the night mainly, not so much for naps. He is a cat napper definitely in the day, short and sweet! This is all excellent however and we are hoping these all become habits that he will keep up rather than mere coincidences that I will be writing about wishing he still did in a few weeks!

We by no means have a fail safe technique or routine for getting more sleep, but perhaps Pads is just more comfortable with going to sleep now he knows we are always here for him when he wakes and now he is familiar with his surroundings and sleep spaces?  And now I am taking a more relaxed approach to the whole sleep thing! Fingers crossed for better sleep to continue. Forever!

9. Toes in the grass and the best game ever - tissue paper kicking. We've been working on new sensations and leg strength and awareness at home this week in our developmental play time, starting with taking Pads outside without his socks on to 'walk' on the grass. He was picking his legs up and thumping them down in a sort of ministry of funny walks fashion and was very interested in looking down at his feet in the grass.

I have also taken to putting some old sheets of tissue paper at the bottom of his baby gym and he loves kicking at it to make a big crinkling noise with his super strong legs. He has started to twig that it is him making the noise and that the harder he kicks, the more fun it is. He proper stamps his leg down too with some considerable force, perhaps we've got a future fly-kick on our hands!?

His latest leg game is what we like to call 'crab legs'. He has started lying on his back in the baby gym and lifting both legs into the air straight up, then bringing the legs into an upside down crab-like hanging position in the air. He repeats this over and over with such vigour and makes little excited shrieks and coos whilst doing it. He also learnt to kick at one of the toys hanging from the baby gym arch in a very nonchalant, yeah whatever way.  I've now started hanging tissue paper streamers off the baby gym to encourage more intentional kicking at, and grabbing of, objects. It's such a joy to see him learn and develop and he's picking up new skills and advancing in his movement gradually every day now. Games time is probably the highlight of my day, along with cuddle time of course!


It was a week of 'breast intentions' and we got good results with the yellowy nappy and a fridge and freezer full of expressed milk, so we are going to keep working at the biological breastfeeding technique and keep up expressing as much as we can, so we can have other days, and maybe even a night away at some point!, just the two of us, if we can bear being apart from our little bear for that long! (Definitely not ready to do longer than the 7.5 hours we did yet!). I am glad we did have some couples time to ourselves as a little treat for Jon and me, and that it went well, but I am definitely much happier when we are all together now. Life is just better as a trio.