Week 1 - learning to live with a newborn

Week 1

Wow. So we're parents. 41weeks & 2 days with a baby in utero ought to prepare you for this eventuality, but it doesn't. All our energies were focused on the birth & buying baby 'essentials' (co-ordinating yellow & grey blankets & baby gros; sheep shaped sleep aids; adorable trainer socks that look like shoes etc...) to really consider  anything beyond having a baby and taking it home. With us. Forever.

Our brand new baby boy is our world.  We still can't believe that he is ours and we can't get over how much we love him.   We called him Paddington in the womb and Paddington is one of his middle names - he's our gorgeous, strong, perfectly formed little bear (and yes we are biased).

And he's already taught us so much about ourselves, us as a couple and about this scary, daunting, crazy, unknown journey called parenthood that we've barely dipped our toes into yet.   Here's what we've learnt so far & the advice I'd give myself if I knew then what I know now.

1. This will be the hardest week of your life. You will cry. You will ache. You will feel emotions like never before. You will be scared. You will be overwhelmed. You will worry - a lot. You will not sleep. You will see every hour pass by. And, it will all be ok. You will get through it. Honestly.

2. You will learn to be super nimble and able with just one hand. By the end of this week you will be totally ambidextrous and will have been handfed by your patient hubby several times. Invest in a pack of bendy straws -  makes drinking much easier during a long feed.

3. You will keep suddenly remembering that 'oh shit, I have a baby now'. This will be overwhelming both in terms of love and responsibility. And will probably make you cry again. Go with it.

4. The First night home alone with your new baby is terrifying.  You will mostly spend it checking & double checking that your baby is still breathing, then worrying that he isnt moving enough/too much. You will constantly check the temperature of the room and decide the baby is too hot so remove a blanket, then immediately decide its gotten colder and put it back on. You will then google how many layers a baby should sleep in and adjust accordingly. You will repeat this process throughout the night/week/probably first month of your baby's life.

5. Amniotic fluid sick looks like scary browny red alien goo - do not panic. Your baby will just have settled when this comes up and now you will need to change him and change the sheets. This will take you longer than it should as a.) even after careful organistaion of all your changing table essentials, you won't be able to find the wipes/a new baby gro etc... at 3am in the morning with the light off as you're still at the stage where you think the baby needs complete darkness and quiet to get to sleep (turns out they really don't - something else I wish I'd known!). This will make your baby cry more. And you may end up crying with them.

6. You will bleed more than you ever thought you could after the birth.  You may also pee a bit when you cough/sneeze/laugh (see point 19).  There really is no dignity left. Stock up on large, thick maternity pads - if you can, buy organic or natural fibres as this will be better for your downstairs area (more breathable). I only bought 20 in total and had to get my mum to re-stock as I used a whopping 40 in the first few days!  TIP: Disposable knickers - use them after the birth to save ruining pants & clothes - you really will bleed a LOT.  I bought a pack and didn't use them as I thought the bleeding would just be like a heavy period. It's way more than that, so do yourself a favour and go disposable.

8. You will massively over google this week, everything from 'why won't my baby sleep?', to 'problems with breastfeeding' to 'how to settle your baby'  and 'is my newborn normal?!'- you will take everything as gospel at first and spin out into a frenzy of worry or relief depending on the answer. You will then go on forums for new mums and wonder why your baby doesn't do what theirs does. This will help with getting absolutely no sleep in the first few days as you begin to doubt your instincts and common sense and wonder why anyone ever left you in charge of a baby anyway. This may then lead to you calling your midwife or the labour ward throughout the night/day to get a definitive answer to your latest fret. There are no definitive answers as every baby is different. This answer will both comfort and irritate the hell out of you, as what use is that as an answer when you're tearing your hair out because the baby won't sleep!! Use research, whether it be from books, advice from other mums, your own parents or websites, as a guide only. There is no magic baby rearing handbook written about YOUR baby yet sadly so it is just about getting to know your baby and respond to their demands and needs which will take time and patience. Don't worry if baby x always sleeps 16hrs a day and feeds every 3hrs when yours sleeps less than 8hrs a day and cluster feeds for 7 hours on the trot - that's just your baby (well, that's mine anyway!) and that brings me neatly to:

9. Don't compare. Don't compare your baby to other babies or yourself to other mums. This will only lead to panic and jealousy, or worse, if you're lucky, smugness. There is no one size fits all solution to raising a newborn or parenting. Trust your instints and ask for advice sure, but your baby will do things their way so focus on figuring out what that is rather than obsessing over whether their sleep/feed/nappy pattern is "normal". (Normal is a dangerous word where baby rearing is concerned).  This is the piece of advice I most wish I'd taken heed of sooner rather than spiral into a panic because my baby wasn't sleeping enough (according to google) and taking too long during feeds (according to forums).  That's just his pattern and personality, I know now because I asked the midwife to check his latching several times and have gotten to know my little boy better, as well as started to trust in my maternal instincts.

10. Breastfeeding is really hard and it will hurt both physically and emotionally this week. Ask for all the help you can get from midwives, support groups and other young mums and stick with it if you can. Its incredibly rewarding to be able to self nourish your own baby, not to mention free, conveneient and healthy for the baby.  Concentrate on getting the latch right and finding a comfortable position for both of you to sustain (cushions are your friends - I bought one of those half moon pregnancy sleeping pillows in the middle of my pregnancy and its really come into its own now as a nursing pillow) and you've nailed it.  And remember that you and your baby are learning together so don't get too cross/upset/downheartened if it takes a while to master - its new to you both so give each other time and reassurance and you'll get there. My hubby was super supportive, encouraging us both when it all got too much and my confidence was low - this was a big motivator.  But if you really don't find it works for you, then that's ok too - at least you tried. Just don't beat yourself up about it.

My little bear cluster fed for the first few days throughout the night in a 5 hour block one evening and a 7 hour block the following evening. I was sore from all the constant feeding and sucking on my nipples, exhausted from moving him between boobs with barely 10-15 minutes intervals in-between (so diddly squat in the way of sleep or even loo breaks) and thought that I'd never be able to keep that sort of demand feeding up.  But I did and his pattern changed again the following evening with him wanting to feed a bit less as my milk had now come in, and it has gradually become more bearable and less demanding as the days have progressed.  All the cluster feeding was his way of making sure the milky goodness arrived soon - we rode it out together and I'm glad I didn't give up, though it was hard.

Go with the flow - there will be ups & let downs, sore nips, full engorged breasts, perhaps some leaky boobs, cluster feedings, long feedings (45 mins - 1hr plus a boob was Paddington's usual in the first week) making doing anything else impossible.  Don't worry about anything else, this week is about establishing feeding and bonding with your baby so just focus on that.

11. Its ok to not do anything in the day but breastfeed, pee & cry. (Much like your baby will be doing) It really is. Even that is an achievement. Take it easy on yourself. You've just been through one of the most painful/traumatic/emotional/wonderful experiences in life and are still recovering (and will be for several weeks still remember). Take your time and be kind to yourself. Having said that, if you can get 5 mins a day to have a bath/shower you will really feel like you just got 2hrs extra sleep.  You'll never have appreciated hot, running water & the feeling of being clean quite like this before.

12. There's an app for that - the midwife will ask you how feeding/sleeping/nappies are going. You will not be able to remember anything but that's ok as there is an app for that. We are using the Sprout tracker to tally up how long breastfeeding sessions take, which boob we are on, how long our son has slept for and how many nappy changes we do a day and what treats were in them. (You will become fixated on poop - is it sticky/thick/wet/yellow/brown etc...) Its really useful to keep a track of these things to monitor how you and the baby are doing with feeding (lots of poos and wees indicate that he's feeding well - hooray!) & eventually, maybe (hopefully), further down the line to determine any patterns that may or may not have emerged.

13. Just say no. Its your first week together as a family and such a special, unique time that you will never get back.  Enjoy the bubble and as well-meaning as most visitors are, its ok to feel overwhelmed even by just a 10 minute 'neighbourly' pop in, so don't be aftaid to just say no visitors this week please and let them know when YOU are ready for visits.  And if people do visit, they should put the kettle on and they should bring lunch and if they are staying too long and you just want to be left alone to cry/try and sleep/feed again then its ok to tell them that and ask them to leave and come back when you're more settled. After all you have only just had a baby and neither of you know what you are doing yet so you don't really need an audience for that. (Plus you probably haven't got to grips with breastfeeding without getting your entire tit out yet and this might not be something you want to do in front of your uncle/dad/mum's friend from down the road. TIP: a large muslin tied around your neck makes a great breastfeeding cover if you do want to preserve your modesty, or just be proud of your breasts - after all they are nourishing and giving complete nutrition and satisfaction to your baby (all being well of course) - and just get them out.)

14. Don't expect too much - you are all still learning how to be a mum, dad and baby.   If you manage to feed well in a day, both your baby and yourself, then that's a success.  Or if you manage a 1 hour nap - boom!  and if you're still both learning to latch properly, that's ok.  It can take weeks and weeks to get it down apparently so just keep practising. Don't try and achieve too much or do a mental to-do list as you'll set yourself up to fail.  You are on baby time now and he calls the shots so whereas pre-baby you probably got up early, managed a pilates class and shower before a full-on busy work day as well as sorting out your life laundry and doing your tax return in your lunch break...then going out to a new restaurant with friends that evening, now you will have to get used to achieving maybe one personal thing a week other than providing and caring for your baby. And that's just fine, the 'old' you is still in there, its just that your life and priorities have changed now and this'll take a little getting used to.

15. When they say you'll get no sleep when the baby comes, this can actually mean that you will literally not get ANY sleep for the first few days or that you'll be able to count the number of hours sleep you've had all week on one hand.  Sleep will become the holy grail but it does ease up - a bit. And you'll be amazed at how little sleep you can actually function on.  It'll make you cranky, more emotional, worry more and surprisingly for me, made me less hungry than I'm used to (I am known for my healthy appetite and love of food and had no interest in food other than fuel this week).  Try and sleep when your baby sleeps - its the biggest piece of advice that really matters.  Tricky when your baby decides he doesn't really need more than 10 minute naps every few hours or so as Paddington did early on, but honestly, grab the chance to just shut your eyes when you can and if a friend or grandparent or your partner offer to take the baby for an hour so you can rest - jump on them! If they don't offer, ask. No, actually, demand, as you need to keep your strength and morale up and nothing does that like a bit of kip.  In the first few days my husband, Jon, took Paddington out in the car to settle him for an hour or two, thus giving me some glorious uninterrupted sleep - with the light off (as we have to keep a dim light on in the bedroom so we can see our little man and check he's breathing, sleeping, feeding right etc... meaning less quality sleep for us)

16. Not all babies respond to 'settling' methods in the same way.  Paddington hates to be swaddled.  We tried it with blankets, sheets and even bought some cute swaddles with velcro - he screamed the place down and managed to kick his way out of all of them with his incredibly strong legs.  A stressful experience all round so we've decided to leave trying that again for a while.  He does respond well to being gently rocked, especially in a sling, winded, ssshhhing noises, singing, music and cuddles. He's basically a cuddle monster, and I love that.  Find whatever works to calm your baby down when they get upset (check nappy and temperature first), and if in doubt, get your boob out I say as they are often just hungry again at this stage - and yes, it may only be 10 minutes since your last feed but you know what its like, sometimes you have just 1 biscuit and other times you want to eat half the packet, it must be the same for babies and milky bosoms.  The most important thing is to remain calm even when you are frazzled, as your baby will pick up on your breathing and mood.  If you're stressed or angry, then baby will be more unsettled. We found making up silly songs made us both laugh and kept us calm and sane as well as helped soothe the little man.

17. Get some sleep, safely of course, but however you can. Our boy also hates his Moses basket at the moment and won't stay in it for longer than 15-20 minutes without crying hysterically.  We are putting him in the basket daily to try and get him used to it and the durations without tears are getting longer, but we are far from getting him to sleep in it yet.

He also hates to be put on his back to sleep and currently - shock horror! - co-sleeps with us either between us on the bed, usually on his side, as even when we put him on his back to start off with, he rolls to the side (we didn't think newborns could even do that at this stage so it just goes to show that every baby IS different! There is no "normal", see?!), or cuddling one of us.  Sometimes we do skin to skin cuddles after a feed and he drops right off or we lay him on his tum on one of our chests, after a bit of burping.  He just wants to be near us and to hear our heartbeats and I have to admit, its the most delicious feeling having your gorgeous cuddly baby sleeping on you.  Its not recommended and you'll feel torn up with guilt about it but if its the only way you can all get a bit of sleep, baby included, as it has been with Paddington so far, then as long as you are safe about it - keep duvets, pillows and sheets away from him, especially his face, make sure you're both aware enough of where he is in the bed and the one holding him takes responsibility to doze rather than fully sleep so you keep a good hold of him, and you make sure you're in the middle of the bed and he can't fall out or get trapped by the headboard or anything, then it could be the only way you all get some rest and keep your sanity. (We recently got given a Sleepyhead Deluxe by my dad (thanks dad!) which is a sleeping pod that's supposed to make co-sleeping safer and can also be used in cots and as a travel sleeper - its not a miracle-worker as he hasn't wanted to sleep in it yet and it takes up most of the bed leaving little room for us, but he does settle in it for 10-20 minute bursts when I need a break from holding him or need to have a shower etc... (I can see him from the bathroom as we have an en-suite in the room so hes never left on his own). We'll keep trying it as I think he will sleep in it one day and let you know how it goes!)

18. Buy a sling!  We have two: an Ergo Baby 360 carrier which Jon uses the most and calls his 'daddy womb'.  It settles Paddington and sends him off to sleep, gives daddy much-needed one on one bonding time as well as being made for outdoor pursuits, keeping you hands free and mobile with the little man.  We use it for daily walks and have a rain cover for it as we live in Wales so would be foolish not to!  We also bought a Cuddle Bug which is a cloth sling that you tie around yourself then secure the baby in.  After an initial disastrous attempt at figuring out how to tie it on where I nearly just packed it up and returned it, I persevered and 'got it' and now love it.  It is ideal for using around the house to give you 2 hands while he sleeps and is super comfy and supportive for the little man.  Both are lifesavers - never underestimate the brilliance of having both your hands and being able to move freely around the house and get things done, whilst also soothing and settling your baby and keeping him close.

19. Nappies - there will be lots and you will become obsessed with their contents.  Its daunting doing nappy changes at first, especially in the middle of the night, but by the end of this week you will be a pro.  Just do them up tightly, check them every couple of hours and keep them away from the umbilical cord or bellybutton if the cord has dropped off, otherwise it will rub and cause discomfort to your baby.  The baby poops out merconium first which is the most annoyingly sticky, tar-like black substance that is really fiddly to clean off bums and privates with just water and cotton wool as you're told to do.  We used water wipes in the end as they cleaned him up better and are just as pure.  Paddington likes a good cry during a nappy change so we had to learn to be speedy about it pretty quickly, Jon took on most of the nappy changes this week to give me a couple of minutes 'off'.  We had one of our bleakest and also funniest parenting moments at about 3am on day 4, after no sleep at all, when Jon had just done a pretty full nappy change and brought Pads back to bed for yet another feed,  Jon wiped his brow in tiredness, only to find he still had poop on his hands and had smeared it into his eyebrows which then made me laugh so hard I did a bit of a wee (thanks pelvic floor muscles and another reason to wear maternity pads!), which cracked him up.  The real glamour of having a newborn right there.

20. Lean on people and accept all help.
Grandparents/ family members - they will want to spend time with you and the baby and help but rather than just have them cooing in the babies face when you are trying to settle them or stare/look anywhere but at you awkwardly while you are still getting the hang of breastfeeding, ask them to help in other ways.  They can do laundry, clean the dishes, make lunch, do grocery shopping...as well as take the baby for an hour or so, so that you can shower/sleep/sit and just have a bit of time on your own.  My mum is being a huge help - we are living with her at the moment whilst we do up our cottage, and she's looked after all of us so that we can concentrate on being a new family and getting to grips with the essentials: breastfeeding, trying to sleep etc... She has made sure the kitchen is always stocked, made us countless lunches and dinners, done our laundry and Paddington's, changed the bed, cleaned the bathroom and run errands to get things like more maternity pads, nappies etc.. This has been the best help, leaving us able to focus on our new son entirely.  Thanks mum!

Your partner - Tell them if you feel overwhelmed, fried, hopeless, happy, afraid etc...don't be afraid to cry on them several times a day - you have a lot of hormones running through you and emotions are high.  Let it all out.  And let them know what you expect of them.  As 'mum', your  role is clear cut - you are needed for your breasts (you are basically now a dairy cow), for the partner, its less obvious where their role comes in and this can make them feel a bit of a spare part or on the sidelines.  Jon has been brilliant in looking after me and Paddington. He's fetched me drinks and snacks when I'm in a long breastfeeding session, and fed them to me. He's got me ibuprofen or arnica tablets on demand, and kept a tally on how much I'm taking so I didn't have to; he's been my main pillow support guy - placing cushions under my arms and around my sides when breastfeeding so I don't feel like my arms are going to fall off; he's taken the little man for winding sessions after every feed; taken control of the nappy changes and cleaning the changing table area; given me back rubs when I felt like I couldn't sit or lie down anymore; told me and our son how well we are doing and to stick with it when we both were at the end of our tether, crying in the wee small hours; taken Paddington out for a drive or downstairs to try and settle him in the sling or vibrating chair just to give me some rest and time out; made dinners and lunch; and just kissed and cuddled me and the sprog when we needed it most.  He's been my rock.

Friends - let them know how you're feeling too.  They can be another soundboard and place to vent your worries and tears.  Use your ante-natal friends or any friends with babies/children for advice or peace of mind, and use friends without kids to talk about something other than babies and children - you need to stay in touch with who you were before to keep you grounded and stop you becoming a 'baby bore'.  Make sure you have a strong support network around you and you will get through the longest of days and the darkest of nights.

21. Get out of the house if you can.  There's something about being cooped up with an overwhelming responsibility, an actual little life in your hands, coupled with the recovery of childbirth and tiredness that can get on top of you very easily - the baby blues are of course expected around day 4 and they will hit you hard when you least expect it.  A quick cure is just to get a change of scene and get out of the house.  We went for a walk as soon as we could, on day 2,  just down the lane but it felt good to be outside.  Then we popped to our cottage that we are renovating on day 5 to show Paddington where he will be living and stopped for a quick drink in the local pub to feel 'normal' again.  Then on day 6, my dad was over so we went to another pub to wet the babies head.  All of these outings helped build my confidence as well as gave me a break from routine, so do what you can to do one thing to get out and about - it will honestly make the world of difference and it doesn't need to be anything big or far, just stepping into the garden can do wonders and fresh air is good for everybody!

22.  Oxytocin love-ins.  I found myself constantly staring at my little man as he fed or slept and either crying (again!) with love or just cooing at how beautiful/perfect/special and in love with him I am. I cannot express how much love I felt instantly for my little man and also for my husband all over again for being my absolute rock during the birth and through this crazy journey we've been on this week.  Jon calls this my 'oxytocin love-ins' - whatever it is, I'm enjoying being this in love with the two men in my life and I have taken over 150 pictures of our experiences and shared time together already this week to treasure forever.

Although this week has been hard, its also been the best week of our lives. Parenthood - Bring it.