Week 6
We are already 1.5 months in - where has the time gone? Oh yeah, its gone on night feeds, day feeds, chasing sleep, getting sleep, reading baby books (and too much google still!), gazing at my baby, changing nappies, gazing at my baby some more and just generally learning to be a mum.
6 weeks is a baby milestone that everyone seems to mention - they say if you can stick with breastfeeding for this long then you'll likely make it all the way (we have breastfed for 6weeks now so yay! to both of us for sticking with it), and when we were told we could start expressing if we wanted as latching should be nailed down by now (think we've got it good fingers crossed so we will be expressing for the first time next week - wish us luck!), and when they are less of a fragile newborn baby and more settled.
Its also of course the week from when mum and baby can get their post-natal checks so it feels like a huge achievement to have made it this far, all of us in one piece!
This week has been an emotional one and I have felt a lot of different feelings, and I hate to admit that a lot of them were negative, which is not like me. I am usually a pretty positive person, but I also usually got 8 hours of sleep a night, did whatever I wanted in my day and only really had myself to think about and be accountable for before. A lot has changed!
Here's this week's ups and downs and how I've come out the other side still smiling (thanks to those of you that pulled me up when I was falling - you know who you are!)
1. Its not you, its 'me' time. This week I have mostly been reading 'The Baby Whisperer' by Tracy Hogg - thanks for the lend of the book Carys - where I discovered the eat/awake/sleep/you routine which sounded like a good, simple plan to get into. Tracy advocates a routine of feeding then keeping your baby awake for activity time which includes nappy changes/winding/play etc.. then getting them to sleep which should give you some precious 'you' time to do as you please (sleep surely?!) then repeat the cycle. I was really hoping Tracy could help me out on that front and the lack of daytime naps that Pads has been getting too. In short, I was secretly hoping that this book would fix us. And therein lies the problem with reading any baby books, they won't fix anything, just give you ideas and options and the rest is up to you. I could really do with remembering this!
The book did get me thinking, and doubting myself again of course, and I did agree with a lot of what she said and thought mostly, it made sense. However, as with all books, I didn't agree with all of it and will try and just pick out the bits I think could work for us. She talks about getting rid of bad habits early on, or what she calls 'accidental parenting', which is a term that really bugged me actually, making it sound like something you had done because you were clumsy or silly rather than because you were just trying your best.
Eating wise, it made me consider that I do let Pads fall asleep at the nip frequently so I should start weaning him off that in order not to become a human dummy but at night, I may still allow it as its often a good (read: the only way) to get him off to sleep and thus get us all some sleep!!
Activity/awake time wise, she made me think that maybe I was overstimulating him trying to play a couple of games a day and therefore making him more tired in the day which could be why he's so tricky to go to sleep in the day?!
You/ 'me' time wise, I am certainly not getting any 'me' time currently and haven't for 6 weeks - I just thought that came with the territory though?!!! - so getting some of that sounds like a pretty good idea. (I don't think you can count a 5 minute shower with the hairdryer blowing loudly whilst Pads is in his moses basket to keep him settled as 'me' time can you?!).
I liked the sound of a cycle of eating, activity, sleep and 'you' time, so decided to give it a go. Here's what happened.
2. Terror Monday. The week started off with a low unfortunately. Pads had a 'terror' day - it was definitely a step up from his standard grizzly behaviour. He was really really screaming, refusing to settle in his basket, Sleepyhead or on either of us as usual. My boobs were the only things that worked to calm him down - no change there right, I hear you say - but usually we can get him a little bit calm before he goes on the boob, but not this day. He got himself all red-faced, screeching loud incessant cries, then did a big old fart which made him scream out loud so we wondered if he was in pain from trapped wind as we'd done all the other checks (nappy, temperature, hunger etc..). We tried burping him in a variety of different positions whilst talking to him calmly, rocking back and forth and bicycling his legs to get the wind out, but there were no glory burps. Then we tried a variety of soothing methods, as by this point we reasoned he was also overtired and stressed which wasn't helping anyone, so went through our portfolio of singing, cradling, sshing, patting, the white noise sheep, the hairdryer etc...impossible. So, boob it was, and that was pretty painful as he was so agitated he sucked like he'd never eaten before. I do still think it was a wind issue, and then he got overtired and worked up but it was a pretty testing day for us all, so I decided the next day I was going to solve all of our issues and get a routine going. Ha! As if I decide anything anymore!
3. The day I tried to get a routine going with my newborn baby (read as: TOTAL DISASTER TUESDAY)/'we are sailing stormy waters'/the day I felt like I massively failed at everything and sucked as a mum. Yes, I know, what was I actually thinking trying to get a routine going this early, especially with my little live-wire? And yes I know, I shouldn't have been so hard on myself or him, in trying to implement a structure so early on. But I did and it was a total disaster.
Inspired by the 'Baby Whisperer', I thought I'd try getting a daytime nap routine started using the e.a.s.y method I mentioned above, and crucially I decided I would also train him to fall asleep and continue to sleep on his own in one of his many 'beds' (moses basket, Sleepyhead or carrycot) rather than on me or next to me on the bed as has been our pattern so far. I was full of positivity and vigour in the morning and thought we'd nail this. So we finished our morning feed, & burped, had some lovely face time, then when he yawned (check me out, looking for sleep signals! Boom!), I got him into his moses basket & sang our lullaby to him softly. He screamed. I took him out, he was wet, so I changed him, believing that was why he screamed, so tried again with my mission.
I got him into his baby sleeping bag (for the first time yet - another first for him all in one day - I know, what was I thinking?!!), as I reasoned this would be easier to lay him down in once sleepy rather than try and warm up a blanket and put that on top of him once down. I continued singing our lullaby and ssh patting him for another 15 minutes then he started to drift off again and this time I decided to try putting him down in his carrycot - my reasoning was, the moses basket is upstairs, the carrycot is downstairs so perhaps in the day he should sleep downstairs so I can get things done and still check on him easily without having to go upstairs all the time. Fair enough right? I had warmed the carrycot mattress and sheet on the radiator first & made sure it wasn't lying flat but tilted, to help with any reflux/wind issues. He screamed as soon as I let go of him in the carrycot, so I tried the extended pick up/put down method I'd read about in the 'Baby Whisperer'. I picked him up and spent 25 minutes snuggling, ssh patting, head stroking & gentle rocking, then as he started drifting off I attempted to put him down again in the carrycot. Screams again as I let go. So I repeated this pick up/put down soothing routine for another 20 minutes. And he repeated his screaming when I tried to put him down. Feeling disheartened, but not one to give up on a plan easily, I tried again. Snuggles, ssh patting & rocking in the rocking chair this time for another 25 minutes. He started drifting off, so I tried putting him back in to the carrycot and there was 30 seconds of hope as he lay there and I thought, man I may just have cracked this, then screams again.
Desperate for him to nap and stoop screaming, I tried to soothe him in the carrycot but he was really having none of it and the cries went up a level. I also started weeping gently and feeling myself get upset so I have to confess, I let him cry it out (something I swore I would NEVER do as a parent) for a full 5 minutes, whilst I stepped away and cried it out too. Wracked with guilt, I then picked him up again and gave another good 20 minutes of trying to soothe him again, apologising to him for letting him 'c.i.o' as well. All to no avail, the cries were now louder than ever as we had missed the nap window completely and gone to hungry/over-tired town. This made me upset again and I felt myself on the verge of losing my cool as I just couldn't take the crying anymore so my 'sshs' were getting louder and spittier and then I snapped and shouted 'Please just shut up!'. There. I confess. I shouted. At. My. Baby. And this was when I called myself a bad parent and decided I was a complete and utter failure and how did I ever think I could do this?! Way to go self, to kick myself when I was already down.
I needed another couple of minutes to get myself in check, so I laid him in the carrycot and took myself outside for 2 minutes of fresh air and a stern talking to, then came in, took the bloody sleeping bag off him in case he was now too hot and fed him, as over 2 and a half hours had now passed since I first tried to get him to sleep, 2.5 hours of constant loud crying. I can see why baby cries are used as a form of U.S Navy training as you need a steely resolve to withstand them for any length of time. I sobbed quietly at my failure to get him to nap (and for losing my cool) throughout the feed, then dutifully burped and changed him - where he ended up peeing in his own eye for goodness sake - then I put him in the sling as I thought at least he usually sleeps in here so lets give up on trying to get him to sleep on his own for now and lets just get him to sleep. Oh no. He was way too over-tired for that and just started screaming again. Are you kidding me I thought?! My one sure-fire way to get him to sleep in the day was now also failing me. I gave him the finger 'nipple' to try and sooth him and it seemed to work, only as soon as I removed my finger he freaked out again so we were back to square one and both at the end of our tethers and both of us having had quite enough of today already thank you.
I turned to my mum's soothing technique and put Rod Stewart's 'We are Sailing' on and sang whilst I rocked him back and forth. The words were very apt: 'we are sailing, stormy waters'. It didn't work. I sat in the rocking chair and sang our lullaby which has been helping him get off to sleep most evenings lately, nope. I walked around humming, trying to stay calm and he kept looking like he was almost drifting off but actively fighting it. This whole thing was doomed. I'd gotten us to a point of no return. This went on for another 50 minutes of solid crying, then I stood next to the washing machine for 10 minutes where he at least stopped crying for a bit, though he was still wide awake and fractious. I noticed his nappy was full so I changed him and he had a miraculous 10 mins of calm and 'play' on the change mat, then cried again so I just gave him my boob as another 2.5 hours had somehow passed AGAIN of me trying to soothe him and get him to sleep and him being a cry-baby.
We were both exhausted and stressed out, I hadn't managed to eat or drink anything in over 5 hours and felt utterly demoralised and broken, and yes, like a big fat parenting failure. I kept thinking in my head, sleep is such a fundamental thing, why can I not even get that right? And the worst thing of all to think, everyone else's baby seems to nap just fine, so it must be my fault that I can't get mine to do the same. Oh dear.
Should I have used a dummy to make him stop crying? Why did I think it was such a good idea to introduce lots of new things to my tiny baby all at once?! Not only did I try to introduce a routine, I tried to get him to sleep on his own which he isn't used to, and I put him in his sleeping bag for the first time so the poor little man was being subjected to three massive new things all at once and I wonder why he freaked out?!!! This was a classic case of trying to do it all at once and why I have now decided not to try so hard and to accept that I am not superwoman, my baby is not doing this to spite me, not napping easily and being so alert and interested in everything in the day is just the way he is, and we need to work out our own way to get some day sleep and not try to fix everything at once.
4. The pursuit of sleep is losing us sleep now. As above, in trying to introduce a little order to our days and actively work on getting Pads to sleep, I managed the exact opposite. I tried to get him to sleep in his moses basket at night on the Monday and Tuesday, when he's been sleeping in his Sleepyhead in bed with us or on one of us just fine every night recently. He didn't take to the basket at all (he never has), and I just undid all the good soothing and settling down for the night work I'd done and consequentially we had 2 nights of very broken sleep, all because I tried too hard to get him to sleep 'properly'. I am giving up on the moses basket for a while again now, and he may well outgrow it before he ever sleeps in it at this rate, but do you know what, that's ok. we tried. He is just not a basket baby.
I have read so much on getting babies to sleep (from the 'no cry sleep solution', to ' the baby whisperer', 'the baby sleep guide' blog, 'your baby week by week' book, various websites such as baby centre, nhs, and taking on board advice from other mums) that I am now more confused than ever and anything new I do try just seems to go wrong. I think I need to stop trying so hard, for all of our sakes, and step away from all the advice for a bit and just do what I think is best and do what I can to get by again. This method was working out just fine for us before, so hopefully it will again.
5. The return to our 'que sera sera' approach to getting through the day. The Wednesday following Terror Monday and Total Disaster Tuesday, could not have been more of a contrast. It was a refreshing, and much needed, day of calm and...successful sleep! We bossed it, by basically, just doing what we do and not worrying about it. He had 2 good naps in the car when I was out and about (he doesn't always sleep in the car so this felt like his way of cutting me some slack) and 1 lovely long sleep in the sling on a canal walk in-between feeds. He fed well, and was a happy, relaxed, smiley baby during his awake time, which meant for a happy, relaxed, smiley mummy too!
The next day, we used the same 'just getting on with it and not over-thinking it' approach and achieved another 2 car naps plus a a nap at the pub while we were having a drink - this is a total first - and then another sling sleep. The elusive e.a.s.y routine we were chasing 2 days ago? We achieved it 2 days in a row by just doing what works for us. Lesson learnt here - don't try too hard, stay calm and it will all work out. Also, each day with a baby is soooo different. Don't expect too much of either of you and you'll be ok.
6. Give yourself a break. Following on from the above, I stopped taking my own advice. I stopped asking for help or saying how I really felt and just told anyone that asked that I was 'good, thanks'. A blanket, meaningless statement. Really, I have been feeling scared; alone; overwhelmed; insecure; doubtful etc... all quite normal emotions for a new mum with a very active and spirited new baby. This denial of how I was really coping, led to a mini-meltdown of inconsolable tears and thinking that I was failing our son and just not being up to the job.
I needed to go down that dark and doubting road to come back again, and I now know that those thoughts are not true. I am doing my absolute best for my son which is all I can do, and above all, everything I am doing, successful or not, is because I love him and want him to thrive. So, if you ever feel this way, or for when I will, undoubtedly feel this way again due to lack of sleep, exhaustion, the overwhelming enormity of it all etc...hear this: Don't keep it all in, speak up about how you feel and let it all out. Cry, sob, wail, shout, whine, rant, moan, to a friend or family as much as you need to. You are doing a great job and it is not easy. Hang in there, but don't hang yourself. You cannot do everything and don't forget to trust and respect yourself. Besides, only getting 3-4 hours of broken sleep on average a day will take its toll on anyone.
7. Learn to let go. Needing/wanting help is not a weakness & if someone else takes the baby and helps settle them you are not a failure! Don't be jealous if they manage to calm them, be happy your baby is calm & learn to let your baby go for an hour with someone you trust and do something for you other than just pee/shower/clean the bathroom/fold the laundry etc...I am guilty of struggling to let others help me this week as I wanted to prove I could do it all myself. I can't. And that's ok.
However, I would say to those offering any help to a new frazzled mum, be mindful of what you say and how you say it, every new mum just needs to hear that they are doing a good job as they are probably doubting themselves several times a day and are likely to be very sensitive to how they are doing. Be gentle with us new mums, we've been through it and are going it through it daily. Thank you.
8. Shrinking. Here's a positive downer now. I am very grateful for my shrinking uterus (which feels a lot like period pains when it starts shrinking - very peculiar, as I felt it most intensely when breastfeeding. Like dull abdominal ache) I am now over 2 stone lighter than when pregnant and almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Admittedly a large portion of that weight came off when Pads came out (and all the fluid, placenta and blood too!), but the rest has come off quicker than I thought - perhaps due to all the breastfeeding? The last stone however, is proving trickier to budge - perhaps the mint magnum treats and choc orange cookies aren't helping?!!!
After our all-clear hopefully next week, I'll think about trying to fit in some pilates or yoga again - how exactly?! - until then, we'll just keep up our walks and remind ourselves its only been 6 weeks! ( I am doing my pelvic floor exercises everyday though!)
9. The bond is strong with this one. I really cannot get over how much I love our little man. It truly is a love like no other. I gaze at him all the time in wonder at how amazing he is, how perfect all his tiny features are, how handsome he is (of course!) and how on earth we made something so special and precious. I would literally die for him and that is a crazy thing to say about a guy I've only just met! This is real true love at its purest isn't it? Makes it all worth it.
10. My breast feeding buddies. I was lucky enough to be gifted a lovely red and white striped nursing poncho by my fabulous friend Bridget (and made by her equally fabulous friend Sally - check out Lilly Nutmeg on Facebook) and I have been loving how easy it makes breastfeeding in public or around extended family. Its such a simple design but not only works to protect my modesty, it also keeps Pads focused, as he's started getting more easily distracted when on the breast this week, especially as we've had a lot of big family days with lots of people buzzing around and lots of noise.
We've been in other people's houses, at our building-site cottage, out for pub lunches and day trips, so we were both out of our usual breastfeeding environment and comfort zone and I found it really hard to breast feed him as he kept coming off and fussing at the nip because he was being distracted all around, which then made me anxious and a bit hot and clammy, (remember that I am the hottest human on earth) which wasn't great for keeping him focused either. On one occasion I just had to up and leave to give us some peace and quiet and get us back into the swing of breastfeeding smoothly again, so I now make sure I always have my nursing poncho with me in the changing bag and to feed him, I simply take myself into a quiet room or quieter area if there is one (sometimes that's been going to sit in the car for a bit with the doors open), put the poncho on and hey presto, we are back to good feeding again (and I'm getting less hot! Though I did read that breastfeeding can make you hotter and sweatier than usual - great, like I need that!).
I also treated myself to a very stylish nursing pillow as I figured its the activity that takes up most of my day (plus Pads has started doing some longer feeds again - up to an hour on occasion) so why shouldn't I be super comfy? Its from Thruppeny Bits, and you tie it around your waist, then you can lie your baby across the pillow, which you can adjust to be just the right height for his latch, pop him on your boob and you can be hands free whilst breastfeeding. Genius. (plus it comes in gorgeous prints - I have the striped blue cord pillow - and no, I am not affiliated with any company I recommend, I just like to share good and useful products.)
11. First social smile! Early on in the week, Padster gave a lovely wide smile to his big uncle Dave, who he hasn't met before as he lives in Australia, and then he also gave a succession of gorgeous little smiles and gurgles to the lovely Laura and one of my mum's neighbours who he's never seen before. He is loving life and starting to respond to people who smile at him in social situations, by smiling at them. Atta boy! Its the most gorgeous sight to see my little boy interacting with others and me and his dad are also getting a lot more smiles lately. Our son is such a good learner and developer already, long may this continue.
12. Explosions! You know those laxatives I was given last week to help with my piles situation? Well, they aren't working on me, not one bit, but I'm pretty sure they are working on Pads poor fellow. Is that even possible?! I am no medic but how else can I explain the explosive, and I mean explosive, nappies we've had of late?! I've decided to cease taking them just in case as if there's one thing my boy does not need, its laxatives! (I need to thank Lindsey here for introducing me to Tucks Cooling Pads - they have given me relief at last! - if you have piles or have just given birth, get these, you won't regret it)
13. Grasping. Pads is properly holding/grabbing my clothes & hair now & he held onto a rattle when we were playing & picked up a muslin cloth & wouldn't let it go during a feed! Something tells me this kid is going to be into everything very soon...
This has been a real roller coaster of a week - one of the toughest yet, but we made it through and we are thicker and stronger than before. This is a lifetime job and one I will constantly be working on but if this week has taught me anything, its to not try too hard, give myself a break and remember that we are all doing our best and that's what really matters.
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